The Infamous Five on Kipper Island
by Tom

And now for something completely different – I hope you will read this short introduction, since if you are not familiar with the original stories the ensuing pastiche may sound like gibberish – although it could well do that anyway!

Since the 1950’s, probably millions of English boys have read the Famous Five or Secret Seven series of children’s adventures, from which at least three television series have been spawned. Basically, the stories revolve around privileged, middle class, asexual children who have highly improbable holiday adventures with the obligatory happy ending. It might even be worth seeking out a sample of an original story to put this decidedly irreverent adaptation into context, to which I will but add, if only this  had been around when I was reading the original stories!

Naturally all the usual caveats and dire health warnings apply, so you read this at your peril and should be aware that no representation of any person, animal, cadaver, mineral or vegetable, including the large beta vulgaris rubra is intended. However, should you recognise yourself at some point in the narrative, perchance in relation to a particularly unwholesome actus reus or in conjunction with any of the aforementioned just think yourself very, very lucky to be included!

Finally, as ever, all comments, ideas, suggestions, good bad or indifferent are always welcome – my apologies in advance for any typo’s you may spot. Enjoy.

tom
amias09@fastmail.fm

 

The Infamous Five on Kipper Island
Chapter 3: Pooper is no party pooper

“Look, looks like there is some writing or something here!” balanced on the top of the wobbly tree ladder, Dick was pointing excitedly to the stone wall above him.

“Well what does it say?” Julian looked up.

“I can’t quite see, you’ll have to do it, you’re taller than me.”

“Hhmm…” Ned was more interested in looking up the legs of Dick’s shorts.

“Have you got that piece of paper and a pencil handy?” asked Dick. “You’ll probably need to write it down won’t you?”

“Of course I will.” replied Julian rather tetchily since he was not looking forward to balancing on top of the very pliable ladder. “Actually, it might be better if I call out what’s there and you write it down.”

With some effort the brothers swapped places whilst Ned held onto the tree ladder. Unsurprisingly Julian didn’t seem particularly happy since it was decidedly unstable, nevertheless he was pushed up to the very top aided by Ned’s willing hand across his bottom.

“Looks like there’s a big N and…” began Julian from on high.

“Ned’s a big N,” giggled Dick, “and he’s got a big one!”

Smiling attentively Ned turned to look up towards Julian, which offered another voyeuristic challenge in looking up the legs of some loose fitting shorts.

“Shut up and just write it down… then there’s I and an O and another O,” called out Julian, “hold on,  there’s more below it under the weeds… don’t move Ned or I’ll fall… hold on… there’s a big E…”

“Wish I had a biggie!” Dick was starting to giggle.

“Shut up!” called Julian. “There’s I and an O and… hold on… and it looks like another big O.”

“O… oh good!” Dick was now convulsed with laughter, Ned was giggling, both he and his glasses were swaying around as was the tree ladder.

“Stop it! Jolly well stop it. Stop laughing or I’ll fall down!” snapped Julian. “Do you want to help find this treasure or not!”

Hearing the raised voices and correctly guessing that tempers were getting frayed and the operation was going to take some time, the girls had decided they had had enough. Especially, of looking at boring stone walls so they called out they were going back to the camp to see what was left in the hamper for tea. Well, that’s what they said, since they both had other things in mind and Anne wanted to find her hairbrush with the ribbed handle.

With Julian having to pick bits of ivy from the wall before being able to decipher what was there, Dick sat down on a convenient rock and was delighted to find that by sheer coincidence he was facing the front of Ned’s bulging shorts.

Equally delighted, Ned looked down and grinned. “Well carry on where you left off.”

Even more arousing than making his entrance through the fly, Dick found that going up the leg of the shorts was the thing to do. Ned’s engorged cock wasn’t pointing upwards, instead it was partially trapped and facing down the leg of the shorts making it within easy reach.

“There’s an S and, and a 2… and, and…” called out Julian, “you got that?”

“Oh yes,” Dick was giggling, “an S and uumm… a what?”

“And a 2, now stop messing about! What are you doing? I can’t look down or I’ll fall off!” Julian’s patience along with his balance was failing, he was beginning to wobble.

Dick having just withdrawn his hand from Ned’s shorts was looking at the sticky stuff on his fingers, smiling, Ned indicated he should sniff or lick them.

“Then it looks like another S.” said Julian. “So it should be S, a number 2 and an S have you got that?”

“Oh yes.” replied Dick, if he hadn’t he had by then.

“There looks like one more row.” said Julian pulling at another strand of ivy.

Pirate Ned looked down at Dick and gave him the circular thumb and index finger sign and nodded frantically, he mouthed the words. “Go on… do it now!”

“I think it’s a W and…” Julian looked closely.

Dick’s finger tightened around the end of Ned’s cock and began to push the large foreskin up and down.

Ned was grinning, he mouthed. “W is for wank!”

“Maybe a number 3 and… and…” continued Julian oblivious to what was happening directly below his feet.

After his earlier episode of edging and now with Dick again in action again, Ned was reaching the point where full control over his genitalia was soon to be lost. The pace of Dick’s voyage of discovery up the leg of the shorts was increasing with the advent of a sudden and liberal distribution of precum to coat the small fingers, something that Julian would only rarely produce.

“Then there’s an O,” said Julian looking at the wall, “I think that might be all there is. Have you got all that Dick?”

“Oh… yes… yes…” replied Dick, really not wanting Julian to get down until Ned had ejaculated. “Hadn’t you better have one last look?”

“Good idea.” gasped Semen Ned as something started to slither down the inside of his leg.

“Oh… oh yes… oh… yes… there are some other things,” called down Julian, “looks like an E and, and looks like a six or something!”

“Golly!” now it was Dick’s turn to gasp, for suddenly from the leg of the shorts had shot a pressurised jet of spunk, splattering all over him. “Crikey!”

“What’s happening?” called out Julian in panic. “Ned why are you wobbling… just hold the ladder steady, I’m coming down!”

“I just have!” Ned was laughing so much he released his grip on the ladder and began to violently rub the front of his shorts. “I wanna cum again!”

With spunk blobs over his face, Dick was also laughing, he looked up to see Julian doing his best to imitate a one legged acrobat, his arms flailing. “Crumbs!”

Of course Julian’s only option was to take a downward trajectory and so confirm that Icarus he was not, landing heavily he momentarily winded himself. Regrettably the landing had only been softened by a medium sized thistle which had penetrated his thin shorts causing untold damage to his pride, but mainly his cute, pert white buttocks.

“Aawww…  my back hurts… oh my bottom!” were Julian’s first words on coming round, his second words followed seconds later. “Ned! What are you doing to me!”

Ned kneeling by his side smiled down. “Well you said your bum hurt so I’m rubbing it betterer for you!”

Miraculously, within the short time it had taken Justin to land and return to the world, Ned had seized the opportunity as medical consultant, Julian was now lying on the grass face down and sans shorts. Ned was administering an invigorating frontal massage with one hand underneath cupping Julian’s erect equipment, whilst his other pressed itself firmly between the delightful white buttocks.

“Oh I say!” Exclaimed the spunk splattered Dick. “That looks like jolly fun.”

“I’ll do you after if you wants,” said Ned, adding mischievously, “why don’t you get your shorts off ready?”

“Gosh would you!”

“First, come here and undo me shorts while I carry on with him.” said Ned thinking to himself that the brother was just to too polite, just too well brought up and just too malleable to be true.

“Golly… can I?”

Dick didn’t waste any time in dropping his shorts, prancing around and wiggling his willy before standing behind Ned to reach down and unfasten the shorts to allow the magnificent, if still rather sticky organ to escape.

Julian was lying face down with his eyes closed and reveling in Ned’s very particular approach to masturbation. It was something which Ned had brought to perfection when he had been about ten after being shown how to milk the cows on his uncle’s farm or as he thought of it, to wank the cows off! The singular stokes pulling at the udders all too easily transferred to rhythmically pulling at his own foreskin, which with enthusiastic, dedicated nightly practice ensured that even before he was eleven he could ejaculate several times a day.

Dick was kneeling down opposite Ned and rubbing along in time to Ned’s arm motions, eagerly watching what was happening between Julian’s buttocks, every so often Ned would dribble saliva into the crack and run his finger up and down.

“I say what are you doing that for?”

“‘cause he likes it, wouldn’t you?” Ned’s glasses wobbled, he certainly liked it!

“Mmmmhh, mmhhh…” responded Julian down at ground level.

“And, and you’re wanking him as well?” Dick was more than interested and become very excited, stimulation on two fronts and simultaneously at that!

“Arrr, it’s my special wank!” Predator Ned grinned for Dick had instantly succumbed to the implicit invitation. “D’you wanna be done after then?”

“Would you! Oh Golly… yes please!”

“In that case stop wanking yourself or you’ll cum before I can do it!”

There was no time for Dick to reply for down at ground level Julian had suddenly started to quiver and tremble.

“He’s cumming!” announced Ned. “Now for the best bit, you watch him go!”

And go, he did! Aided no doubt by Ned’s saliva lubricated finger being suddenly pushed deep inside and wiggled around!

“Ow! Ooowww… oooohhhh… awww… ooohhh… oooohhhhhh… aaaahh..” Julian’s objections soon tailed off and morphed into moans of pleasure. “Aaahhhh…”

“Is that finger up his bum?” Dick looked incredulous, this was new. “Isn’t that dirty?”

“Oh arrr, no! ‘cause you can always wipe it off.” replied Ned demonstrating by pulling the finger out with a plop, quickly wiping it on Julian’s moderately pristine shorts and then reinserting it!

Julian continued to writhe on the grass and moaned, Ned’s other hand was full of Julian’s spunk and his own cock had now started to seriously ooze precum in solidarity, Dick was holding his own three inches very tightly.

“Blimey! Blow me!” exclaimed Dick unaware of the connotation. “Would you, well would you do that, that bum thing to me as well… as, as well as your special wank?”

“Arrr, course I will.” Ned smiled intent on encouraging further hands-on action. “I don’t ‘spose you knows wot else you can do does you?”

“Uumm… no… no!” Dick desperately wanted to rub his dick, but didn’t want to spoil the effect of Ned’s latent special wank. “What, what else could you do then?”

“Arrr well, just think, wot else could you use instead of a finger?”

“Uumm…” Dick was thinking, slowly. Things were moving a bit too quickly for him.

“I know,” came Julian’s assured voice from down below, “because we talked about this in the dorm the other night just after Porky von Windsor had been wanked off by Dingo Rumpleton-Ffrench because it was then that Stinky Johnson admitted he had been pushing things up his bum and said we all ought to try it!”

“Why is he called Stinky?” interrupted Dick.

“Probably because he plays with bum!” Ned laughed. “So wot’s he push up it then?”

“Stinky said it was a leg that he pulled orff of one of his sisters dollies!” said Julian excitedly. “And then… and then Bunty Templeton-Wannacock admitted he had pushed a small pink radish up, but wasn’t sure if it had ever come back down!”

“Golly! Do you think it’s still up there?” asked Dick incredulously. “Wonder if it had the leaves on it!”

“But Ned, I think…” said Julian, “well you really mean is that somebody pushes their willy up, do you?”

“Arrr, yeah course I do.” Ned looked over to Dick. “So wot about Dick pushing his dick up you then? It ain’t no bigger than me finger is it?”

“Ooh!” Julian took a deep breath. “Crumbs! I’d never have thought of that. Golly!”

“Ooh! Wot!” exclaimed Dick thinking it was a wonderful suggestion and after all Ned was there to supervise the inaugural loss of their collective virginity.

Besides even if he still couldn’t ejaculate it would certainly bestow a shed load of kudos upon him especially if he were to tell his best friend Piers Rumpleskin who was constantly pestered him to allow a hand up the leg of his grey school shorts.

“Well?” asked Ned hopefully. “Dick sounds interested!”

“Oh Julian… can I?” asked Dick grasping his dick even harder and recalling the last time Piers had invited himself to invade his shorts in a history lesson.

“Gosh… what a question!” said Julian, quickly adding, “Yes, oh yes! Let’s do it!”

“Well, first Julian get on your hands and knees,” said Ned tightening his grip around Julian’s spunky cock, “and I’ll get him ready for you.”

It didn’t take longer than a few seconds for Ned to get Dick’s dick in position right behind Julian. “I’ll give him a finger, then when I pulls it out you pushes your willy right in… got it?”

“Yes, yes!” replied Dick excitedly holding onto his dick, lest it suddenly fall off.

“Then, now Julian,” continued Ned, “once he’s started humping I’m gonna give you another of me special wanks. Right?”

“When’s my turn then Ned?” asked Dick. “You did say.”

“Arrr, it’ll be a bit later ‘cause I reckon you might be too knackered after this!” said Ned smiling. “But don’t worry, ‘cause I really wants you to do it as well… so wot about after tea or something?”

“Gosh really! Cor that’s something to look forward too!” said Dick. “I can’t wait.”

“Neither can I!” Ned winked. “And we’ll see if we can get you to cum with one of me special wanks. You’ll both be proper experienced then won’t you.”

Allowing for some alignment issues it took less than two minutes before they really were all very experienced.

Dick thought the whole experience was quite fantastic and even managed two consecutive dry orgasms before starting to wilt. If Dick had found it fantastic, then Julian found it doubly fantastic, even though Dick’s dick was a little smaller than Ned’s grubby finger. Nevertheless he did ejaculate again courtesy of Ned’s unique milking technique before he too collapsed in a spunky heap, Ned was naturally delighted with himself at having introduced both brothers to further carnal delights and with the prospect of continuing later in the triple sleeping bag.

 

With the boys being left to their own devious devices the girls had returned to the camp and quickly ascertained that there was sufficient to eat with an Aunt Fanny special camping style cordon bleu beouf bourguignon which only needed reheating over the silver plated Primus. Food presented no real problem since further supplies were due the following day when Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny would whizz over in their vast speedboat with yet another large wicker hamper absolutely packed full of exquisite edible goodies.

Whilst in housekeeping and food mode, George thought it a good idea to see what was left over from the previous picnic. “Anne have a rummage through the hamper and see what’s left that we could finish up with the main meal.”

“I say,” she replied on opening the wicker hamper, “looks like there are a few things uumm… some tomatoes… bit of bread… some lettuce… and ooh… look George… oh look there’s one of these!”

“Heavens!” Georges eyes lit up as Anne waved a very long cucumber in the air!

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Anne certainly was and squeezed her legs together in anticipation for it was bigger than her trusty hairbrush, Pooper sniffed innocently around. With the intensive, regular evening, dormitory boarding school training her girly bits all too frequently would exude vast quantities of juice, in fact almost as much as George could.

“You know in our dorm,” George flushed, “we often have a carrot carving night, you can really make one to look like a boys willy!”

“But do you know what a willy looks like? You’ve seen one?”

“Ah, no, I haven’t actually seen one, but Melissa Fartington-Smythe caught her brother Clarence squirting in the bath and she made him stay there so she could draw a picture for us to copy!”

“Golly! He was squirting in the bath! Well, who’d have thought of that!”

“Well, that’s what we all said! Anyway, it was a very detailed drawing, in fact when Tabetha Crotchbender saw it, she said it looked rather like a baby’s arm holding an orange!”

“Golly gosh! Riveting stuff!”

“So, I’ll cut this cucumber in half and then we can each carve an imaginary willy!”

“And try it out?” said Anne quickly grabbing her half. “I say George it’s looks like it might be self-lubricating as well!”

“How long have we got before tea?”

“Long enough!”

“I think I’ll base mine on Pooper’s?”

 

By the time the boys returned, the stew was in a special picnic issue orange Le Creuset casserole dish warming on the Harrods Primus , the cut-glass plastic glasses along with the silver dinner service were already laid out.

Dick in particular was looking distinctly disheveled being spotted with Ned’s dried semen on both his clothes and in his hair. Julian was walking a trifle awkwardly as though he had had something stuck up his bottom, although Ned had actually retained all his fingers.

“Gosh that smells jolly good.” said Dick bending over to smell it.

Pooper looked up at the sight of a bent over bottom and sniffed.

“Hhmm… oh yes.”

Julian almost bent over to look, but then thought better of it. Since after Dick had so energetically rogered him and Ned then decided to have an instant replay and re-insert not just the one, but two dirty digits he thought his bottom deserved a rest.

“Did you get all the information you wanted?” asked Anne, who was looking rather guilty and unusually keeping her legs tightly crossed. For, for under her frock she was still knicker-less and thinking it lucky that cucumbers didn’t have large pips, a large chunk was still extant!

“Oh yes.” said Julian. “Not quite sure what it equates too though are we Ned?”

“Wot it E wot’s?” Ned looked puzzled.

“What it means Ned, is what he means.” translated George into convoluted middle-class English.

“Arrr, right. I think.”

“Now Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny will be here tomorrow with some more food, so I expect they will work it all out for us then.” George, by sheer coincidence squeezed his\her legs together and looked knowingly at Anne who was trying to deter Pooper from sniffing under her frock.

“Oh rather,” said Julian, “and I do so hope they bring some more strawberries and absolutely lashings of that yummy triple cream, you know the Farmer Giles’ Gold Medal Hand Milked Winning Dairy from his herd of prize winning of rare Isle of Dogs spotted cows… mmmh.”

“Mmmh… indeed.” agreed Ned thinking back to his milking days and that young Dick was next in line to get his little udder tweaked.

“And just fancy, wouldn’t it be wonderful if the treasure were big gold bars or something?” said Dick feeling his stiff udder though his shorts pocket, not realising that at that precise moment none of the others were that interested in the treasure.

Craftily observing Dick playing with his dick shaped udder, Julian was fondling his own slightly larger older brother version udder through his pocket. George was of course attuned to such things and soon had a hand in his\her shorts pocket and managing to rub the hairy mound. It didn’t take long before Pooper was attracted by the noise of the thick bush being cultivated before he too was sniffing up the leg of his\her shorts. Naturally, the perpetually damp Anne didn’t miss anything either for she was soon engaged in some slight of hand manipulation under her frock. All of this was eagerly watched by Ned, who’s own firm appendage was visibly winking in the shadow of the leg of his shorts. Pooper deciding not to be left out, had in the meantime sidled over to Ned hoping to chance his luck and push his tongue up the leg opening.

“Awww…” suddenly gasped George who appeared to flush a brilliant shade of red and then tremble violently, his\her hand in the pocket appearing to jump around.

Anne knew the feeling very well, she bravely stood up to deflect the attention away, despite being convinced that something was slithering down between her legs. “Well the food must be ready by now, so come on let’s eat… Dick get the serving spoons.”

With all eyes transfixed on the pulsating transgender prone George it didn’t take a lot of guesswork to work out what had happened. Anne busied herself with the food and tried to get everything organised and ready to eat whilst pretending that George hadn’t just squirted in his\her shorts or that Pooper was currently, with tail wagging excitedly alternating between his\her shorts and Ned’s winking organ.

Testosterone, hormones and the smell of bodily secretions were thick in the air.

Julian being the hopefully six-a-day boy that he was, was looking very embarrassed by having created the smallest of small wet spots on the front of his tenting shorts, sitting down he tried to cover it by balancing his plate on top. Dick’s dick was most certainly hard, sadly though it wasn’t large enough to be noticed through his shorts, whereas Ned had a full blown erection which, now he was squatting on the grass was easily visible from the leg of his shorts.

“I say Anne, that was jolly scrumptious, it’s lucky Aunt Fanny is a bona fides cordon bleu chef isn’t it.” said Julian in an poor attempt to remove the focus from his own wobbly plate balancing routine. “What do you think she will be preparing for tomorrow?”

“Now, how would I know!” replied Anne, being a little tetchy since blades of grass were tickling her girly bits and that poking a hand up her skirt to attend to matters probably wasn’t the most ladylike thing to do at that precise moment.

Pooper’s willy wobbled, he stood up and looked around, he was really spoilt for choice as to who offered the best aromatic licking.

“I think they’re coming over about ten o’clock,” said Dick, “we can have a lie in.”

“Arrr, ooh good.” said Ned noting that Pooper had decided it was time to check his own ever expanding lipstick again. “Oooohh…”

“Be getting dark and bedtime soon!” announced Dick, already quite desperate to have Ned and Julian give him the full treatment.

“Is it?” Julian looked around, Dick winked at him. “Oh, oh I see…”

Dick nudged Ned and whispered. “You haven’t forgotten have you Ned?”

“Arrr, Lordy, Lordy no!” replied extrovert Pirate Ned. “I’ll have a finger or two up you quicker than you can say, lick my bum if I’m a Dutchman! Now don’t you go fretting about that young master Dick.”

“Right? A Dutchman?” that totally confused Dick. “Lick my bum, how disgusting!”

Julian had been watching Pooper’s performance and thought it was just the right opportunity and time to raise the subject of sex yet again, “look at that nawty Pooper, he’s gonna do it again!”

“Oh, that’s not nice while we’re eating! Oh he is isn’t he!” squeaked Anne in mock surprise, squeezing her legs together, trapping more grass and staring intently. “I wonder how many times he can do it?”

Julian blushed, he knew the answer was six. Under his plate his cock twitched.

Pooper was now at full stretch and happily slurping up the dribble from the end.

“Crikey! It’s leaking!” exclaimed Dick, adding incredibly naively. “Where does he get all that stuff?”

“Arrr, I do wonder, d’you know George?” asked Ned managing to keep a straight face. “D’you think he’s got a bottle of it some place?”

“Ooh! Look!” even Anne couldn’t help expressing surprise when Pooper managed to get the end of his long doggy cock in his mouth. “Golly!”

George who’s, his\her girly bits had starting to tingle at the sight was at a loss, for even the detailed drawing of Clarence Fartington-Smythe’s thirteen year old, four and a half inch willy had not prepared her for Pooper’s self-fellatio show stopper!

“Crikey!” gasped Dick unashamedly grasping his dick through his shorts.

Rampant, desperate, almost leaking precum Julian just stared, the sooner he could get in the tent with Dick and Ned the better.

It was though Ned who administered the coup de gras when he moved over to George and whispered. “George, if I shows you me willy will you show me yours?”

“My willy!” George’s his\her long awaited transgender moment had finally arrived.

“We did it at school a lot, see who got the biggest one like,” continued Ned, “I usually did!”

Dry in the mouth, but getting even wetter down below George didn’t answer, his\her moustache quivered, his\her transgender bush throbbed. Oozed. It rustled by itself.

“George you have got one ain’t you?” continued Ned, making it sound like a joke whilst fully aware that for obvious reasons he\she didn’t. “I reckon’s it’s a big ‘un, not like that little thing Julian has got… and you just likes to let Anne play with it don’t you?

“Cor! Look at that!” cried Dick suddenly jumping up and pointing excitedly to Pooper who was in the process of receiving a face full of his very own doggy spunk!

“Crickey!” exclaimed Anne shuffling her bare bottom excitedly towards the longer blades of grass.

Julian simply stared, he was day dreaming, if only, if only!

“Wot’s think then George? Them boys I knows do’s it together all the time,” Ned adjusted his glasses, “we could spunk off like that together!”

After a short pause, although long on thought, it was with a singular flash of utter brilliance that George suddenly responded. “Only if we do it alone and in the dark!”

Chapter 4 to follow

 

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