Bog Off
by Tom


Chapter 26: Oysters

“See Miss, we was a little bit late this morning and I’s only just remembered to come and tell yer like.”

“Yes,” Mrs Jarvis smiled benignly, “so both you and your younger brother were late? It’s.. it’s Kelvin and Jason… Twerks isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s right Miss.” hoping she didn’t notice Kelvin just had to comfort his bruised cock though his pocketless pocket, the disappearance of one hand and the not inconsiderable bulge suddenly moving on it’s own were hardly inconspicuous.

“Alright then, I’ll make sure that your the form teacher’s know.” Mrs Jarvis tried not to notice, although having been a school secretary for many years she had seen it all and heard it all before so there was little point in saying anything, it was easier just to go along with it all.

Thinking now all was well, Kelvin smiled and quickly left the school office trying not to show he was still limping after twice trouncing his genitalia into the carpet. Quite convinced his ploy had worked though the brothers had only arrived at the school less than five minutes earlier, he set out find Bogbrush and regale him with the slippery glories of the previous evening and of that morning with Jason.

“That alright then Kelv? Did we’s get away with it?” a very apprehensive Jason was hiding around the corner waiting for him and he was not alright, his swollen sphincter felt irreparably damaged and walking was proving to be very painful.

“Yeah, course, I’s knows all they tricks!” said Kelvin proudly, unaware that Mrs Jarvis was equally versed in adolescent antics, “now fuck off, I’s gonna find Bog’s.”

“Yer won’t tell him about us will yer?” there was a note of panic in his voice. “And is yer dead sure we’s got away with getting in late?”

“Be alright. Nah, course I’s fucking won’t tell him.” he grabbed the lump in the front of his trousers. “Cor, fuck me, me willy don’t half hurt!”

“Don’t wank then!” spoke the voice of experience. “That’ll make it worser won’t it?”

“Ah… be alright.”  Kelvin limped off to find Bogbrush, unable to contemplate such an original idea. Both hands were in his pockets, one in the special pocketless pocket trying infiltrate the elastic of the lime green Guptha’s International briefs.

Jason limped off at a slower limp in the other direction, he really wanted to feel his bottom, but that would look a bit odd in the corridor. Maybe, he thought to himself he could get Billie to have a look and see what the damage was in the dinner break.

“Who’s that?” Luke squinted into the light unable to recognise the approaching figure. “Limping ain’t he?”

“Oh.. yeah he is,” Bogbrush looked up, “ooh, it’s Kelv innit?”

“Wonder wot he done now then?” said Luke. “He’s bloody late today ain’t he?”

“Gotta be a fucking disaster innit?” Bogbrush grinned. “Been wanking I ‘spect!”

“Probably,” Luke looked again now he was closer, “hey, looks like he still is, just look at the gert lump in they trousers!”

It was obvious conclusion, with both hands deep in his pockets, his cock almost erect due to the continual massage intended to ease the bruised feeling.

“Yer’s had yer hair cut Bog’s.” observed Kelvin hoping to keep the conversation away from the embarrassing subjects of lateness and limp, at least whilst Luke was there.

“Yeah, smart innit?” Bogbrush pirouetted around, looking exactly like his nickname, a long thin spiky toilet brush. “Got it done like after school yesterday.”

“Wot we got next then, ‘cause I can’t find me timetable?” asked Kelvin endeavouring to keep the conversation going.

“It’s yer favourite innit?” said Bogbrush grinned.

“Oh… good.. wot?”


“Oh bleeding hell I’s hates that!”

“Yer can always have a gert wank in class to pass the time!” Luke raised the subject in the hope of gleaning a few facts as to Kelvin’s current state and hopefully a few titillating facts at that. “So tell us why’s yer limping, done something to yer willy?”

“Ooh.. so yer is yer gonna wank then?” Bogbrush turned to Luke already thinking back to the sight of his white briefs and delightful erection in Kelvin’s garden shed.

“Uumm..” he nervously played with his glasses, not entirely confident about in-class activity especially with the two most prolific masturbators in the class, he realised he had started to dig a hole for himself, “I’s uumm.. well..”

“Go on, look yer does it in they nice white pants of yer’s along with Dave and then us’ll do it as well, won’t us Kelv?” Bogbrush looked at Kelvin.

“Uumm..” theoretically affirmative, yet physically his dangly bits weren’t up to a lot.

“Hey, ‘spose us swops for the lesson, so yer can sit by I’s and Dave can have Kelv?”

The lesson bell having started to ring meant Kelvin’s reply was inaudible and he immediately set off hoping to dodge any further probing questions. Usually where masturbation was concerned the spirit was always willing, but his flesh at this particular juncture felt decidedly weak and far from willing.


The morning break over, the boys of class 2E headed collectively, noisily through the corridors towards the workshops where, watched by Mr Wilson they exchanged their blazers for aprons. Waiting impatiently to start the lesson and trying not to be noticed he observed far more than he should, in particular the extraordinarily large bulge in Connor’s tight, threadbare trousers.

In fact when Connor had previously and so blatantly displayed the contents of his trousers in the woodstore it was the biggest twelve year old cock Mr Wilson had managed to see. And, he had certainly made enough effort during his years of teaching to always check out the boys whenever possible so there was no doubt that Connor took the prize. Fixated by the sight, the problem posed for Mr Wilson was whether he should realise his fantasy and effectively proposition Connor or as he finally told himself, far better to hold back and let Connor make the play.

Jason was not his usual bubbly self, having more of a sense of guilt than Kelvin he was concerned that the explanation for their late appearance at school would soon be seen to be untrue and they be hauled before the headmaster or possibly God  should he exist. And, of course if that wasn’t enough to worry about there was always the little matter of his limp and very sore bottom, the highly embarrassing reasons for which he had not yet had the courage to divulge even to Billie or Brett.

As Mr Wilson took charge and tried to push the class towards some sort of work ethic, across the room Farty was taking no notice and instead dreaming of his own  ethic, which simply involved constantly working towards further self-abuse. Being the most unlikely looking boy ever be associated with a ravenous sexual appetite, Farty had graduated from an occasional masturbator with the fear of going blind to one of insatiable masturbator with a very good chance of going blind.

The change was due in the main to being relentlessly pursued by his older sister Cilla, who’s unremitting crusade had been to catch him masturbating. It had paid off, for once caught and virtually forced to perform events had taken a darker turn for rapidly, inevitably, mutual masturbation transgressed to incest. Coupled with being naive enough to let himself be adopted for grooming as a plump sexual plaything by the sex mad Connor, Farty was now incapable of either leaving it, Cilla or Connor alone. In fact his constant obsession with masturbation had taken him to new levels, for lately by the time his bedtime fantasy was due he had found himself milked dry and unable to produce any sperm at all.

Two benches distant from Farty, Connor was as ever erect under his apron and already looking in Farty’s direction hoping to catch his eye. His plan was simply to get a hand inside the matching Guptha’s International white vest and briefs, which with Farty’s serial masturbation habit had become increasingly semen stained and to Connor incredibly arousing. For his part, Farty was far, far less inhibited than even a couple of weeks before and only too willing to acquiesce to whatever and however Connor could dream up if it involved sex.

With Jason, Billie and Brett being all keen students and practitioners of advanced pocket manipulation it didn’t take them very long before they also noticed the new look unrestrained Farty and what could only be his poorly disguised, if very frequent animated efforts to conceal his masturbating in class.

“Oi,” hissed Billie, moving slowly past Jason’s bench, “Farty’s gonna wank again!”

Jason turned to looked. “Cor, lately he don’t never stop, wot’s up with him? He’s worse than wot we three is!”

“It’s something to do with that Connor innit? Look quick, I reckons he’s getting ready to go and help him, I’s seen they two together a lot since I watched ’em in the bog with that, that uumm… wot’s his bloody name?”

“Joel wunnit. So, yer right, d’yer thinks they does it together a lot now then?” despite his own anal problem Jason’s mood was definitely improving. “Come on let’s get over there before Connor do so’s us’ll catch him at it!”

“Hang on, we needs an excuse.” Billie picked up one of the infamous book-ends to make it look as though they were showing him something of interest. “Right, go.”

Not wishing to draw attention they started to creep or in Jason’s case, limp over to the workbench and were less than halfway there when Connor suddenly beamed down next to Farty.

“Fuck!” said Billie. “He fucking beat us to it!”

“Ah balls! Well, let’s go back and we’ll watch ’em then.” replied Jason, who all things considered was actually quite relieved as was his overworked cock. “If us stands on far side of me bench we’s can watch while they does something.”

“Or yer stands in the middle and yer can wank Brett and me off?” suggested Billie.

“Yeah, if yer wants” Jason grinned, “‘cause I’s gotta give me willy a rest.”

“So wot d’yer do to it last night then, yer’s looked fucked today and yer walking like yer’s got something stuck up yer bum!” observed Billie none too tactfully.

“Ah… yeah, alright,” Jason knew he would have to divulge at least part what had happened, “alright, I’s tell both of you when it’s dinner time.”

“Is yer wanking again?” Connor didn’t pull any punches, even if he was pulling on his own cock as he sidled up to Farty.

“Wot! Who?” the spell broken Farty opened his eyes. “Oh fuck! I’s could have been caught!”

“Yer bleeding was yer wally!” Connor immediately pushed his hand under Farty’s apron and into the open fly. “Give us yer hand, yer gonna wank I off as well!”

“We ain’t gonna get caught is we?” Farty looked around helplessly as indeed might a beached whale in school uniform on seeing Captain Ahab in the local harpoon shop.

“Bleeding hell, wot a mess yer pants is in!” exclaimed Connor having not wasted a moment in forcing an entry into the fetid depths of Farty’s underwear. “How many times has yer cum in ’em today?”

“Three.. nah, four.” blurted the masturbation addicted Farty without really thinking. All he was thinking at that very moment was how wonderful it was to have a strange hand actively probing around within his semen scented, spunky white briefs.

“That’s good, keep practising till yer can do it every hour like wot I does!”

“Oooh..” moaned Farty in anticipation of further practice and multitudinous orgasms.

Connor grinned, although equipped with only the two brain cells he had a very good idea what he wanted to do, he returned to the task in hand even if it wasn’t very big. Cocooned in an excess of white, rubbery flesh, once located Farty’s erection felt decidedly hot and sticky just as in fact were his briefs, it all contributed to raising the sexual temperature of the moment, such that Connor’s other hand was extracting his own erection out of his trousers in readiness for Farty’s clammy hand.

“Now then, give us yer bleeding hand and get wanking!”

Grabbing it by the wrist, Connor pulled it from under Farty’s apron and forced it beneath his own apron where without waiting for further instruction it immediately clamped itself onto the huge, drooling organ and began it’s messy task. Returning to the malodorous confines of Farty’s trousers Connor was quickly reunited with the rather small offering and set to work aiming to reduce Farty to a gibbering wreck.

“Bleeding hell,” Jason nudged Brett, “wot’s he doing to Farty, look he’s sinking down to the floor!”

“He’s be on the floor in a minute,” confirmed Brett, “cor, look he’s all shaking now!”

“He’s too fucking heavy for they little legs of his!” said Billie.

“I reckon he fucking cum ain’t he?” Jason wished his own cock was in better shape for he would have dearly liked to have climaxed with him.

“Jase, never mind bleeding Farty get back to wanking us!” pleaded Billie who’s organ twitched in expectation beneath his apron.

Indeed Farty had succumbed for probably the fifth time that morning. Feeling very weak under the strain of excessive masturbation, especially at the knees which as Billie had already observed were struggling to support his bulk, he leant heavily against the bench. Connor, who like Billie had been on the cusp of a gigantic climax when Farty had ceased activity was more than disappointed, realising Farty was now pretty much a spent force he retrieved his spunky hand from Farty’s nether regions and took himself in hand. Quickly arriving at the gigantic orgasm he had promised himself and splattering all around with spunk he determined that Farty should be made to pay for so callously withdrawing his labour at the vital moment. Thrusting his hand  dripping with spunk back into Farty’s briefs he restarted the process of masturbation which soon proved too much for the debilitated Farty who slumped in an exhausted heap of wobbly stomach to the floor. Alarming sounds of escaping gas accompanied his demise as his anal muscles relaxed, crumpled up like a punctured balloon, his critically overworked cock quite incapable of delivering anything further whatsoever.

“Cor, fuck look! Look!” exclaimed Jason excitedly. “Fucking Farty’s fucking fell over, fucking Connor’s wanked him to death!”

“And, he’s pissed off and left him!” said Brett. “Shall us go and see wot’s wrong?”

“Better wait a sec,” Jason looked in Mr Wilson’s direction, “and see wot happens.”

On hearing the muffled thump as Farty collapsed on the floor in a cloud of anal gas, Mr Wilson turned to look around the workshop, at first all seemed quiet enough then on noticing the bench with no occupant he walked over towards it.

“Where’s uumm.. Steven,” he looked around the faces were blank except for Connor who was wisely facing in the other direction, “yes, Steven, where’s Steven?”

“Steven? Who’s that? We ain’t got no Steven.” said a voice.

“Yer means Farty don’t yer Sir?” was the anonymous reply.

“Uumm… Steven… oh, I see.” he looked round again. “Well, where is he?”

“Farty’s gassed himself Sir, so bad he’s lying on the floor!” continued the anonymous voice to much laughter. “Ooh.. hang on he moved!”

“I’s here.. Sir… I’s, I’s just dropped me thing and I’s been looking for it!”

“And yer dropped a gert fart!” added the anonymous voice.

From the other side the bench to Mr Wilson there slowly appeared Farty’s head, he looked and sounded distinctly dazed, out of sight under his apron his trousers and genitalia were covered with sawdust having stuck to the extra semen which Connor had kindly donated for lubricant.

The geography lesson wasn’t going too well either, boring would be the best description in polite company. Kelvin had agreed to swop seats with Luke for the last lesson of the morning, allowing him now to sit next to Bogbrush which in turn enabled him to reveal the previous evening’s exciting adventures, including all he had promised not to say about Jason. And, if they had thought that geography was boring and had not gone too well, they were to be sorely disenchanted with the following English lesson where due to a teacher shortage Kelvin’s remedial class had been combined with the regular lesson. Unaware that they might actually be required to put pen to paper they were looking forward to the lesson since with libidinous thoughts of swopping partners. The sap had rapidly risen and was easily confirmed by the bulging trousers as they shambled noisily down the corridor with Kelvin limping to keep up towards Mr Hastings classroom.

“Well wot’s us gonna do then?” Bogbrush grinned at Luke, who though aroused was none the less a little apprehensive at the prospect of being thoroughly ravaged in the lesson even though they were seated at the back of the classroom. “Has yer got on them cute white pants?”

Luke nodded only too pleased to have his favourite subject of underwear raised. “Wot yer got then?”

“Yer gonna have to have a look! Be bloody Guptha’s shit though wunnit?”

“I reckons’ I’s the only one that don’t wear that stuff.”

“How d’yer know that then,” quick as ever Bogbrush seized on the admission, it was the intimate detail that turned him on, “has yer been fucking looking at us all?”


“Course yer has ain’t yer,” Bogbrush winked, Luke flushed, “so tell us, when yer has yer bedtime wank d’yer think of undressing somebody and having him in his pants?”

“Having him… wot’s mean?”

“Wanking him and playing with hole while he’s got ’em on like.” said Bogbrush who thought from Luke’s guilty look that the assumption wasn’t too far off the truth and had probably hit the target.

“Ooh.. uumm..” he had hit the target.

“Yer wanks in ’em and that while yer got ’em on, don’t yer?” Bogbrush’s trousers were already under considerable strain and it was only minutes into the lesson.

Blushing, Luke nodded.

“Who d’yer think of then, like when yer wanks?” Bogbrush grinned again. “Or if yer don’t wanna say, tell us wot d’yer use up yer bum, yer finger or something else?”

“I… I’s.. uummm… oh fuck.. it’s gert old pencil thing!” he stuttered to a halt unable to admit his fantasies varied between Bogbrush and Dave, Kelvin’s cock was just too big to contemplate.

“Well I’s likes carrots! Know wot I’s means?” Bogbrush tried to look serious. “Now has they trousers of yer’s got a special pocket, yer knows without a bottom in it?”

Luke shook his head. “Nah, me mum would notice.. why has they?”

“Course, yer can get yer hand in and wank us off easy.” he looked down to Luke’s bulging trousers under the desk. “Yer do want me to do it to yer don’t yer?”

Nodding frantically Luke knew it had to be sooner than later for he already had a wet spot and had become more than aroused at just the mention of his underwear.

“Why don’t yer just sorta undo ’em at the waist where they’s all tight and then I’s can slip me hand down the front, I’s don’t thinks yer needs to undo the zip thing unless yer wants too.”

Luke’s brain was in overdrive, he just couldn’t refuse. Yet on the other hand he was worried about being caught, although he told himself it wasn’t as though the zip would be undone as well?

“We won’t have ’em all undone then will us, so if anybody looks well they’s look like they’s all done up, won’t they?” Luke, having talked himself into it began to fumble with the waistband of his trousers.

“Yeah, right.” agreed Bogbrush, his hand already in his pocketless pocket adjusting the leaking erection within the Guptha’s International turquoise coloured briefs with semen coloured lining. “Now tell us honest like Luke, has yer ever thought of nicking some undies to wank in or swopping with somebody after yer’s both cum in em?”

Magically the wet spot became larger, the heat-beat stronger, the suggestion chimed with his dream of being brave enough to steal underwear from the changing room and now here was an offer to swop with Bogbrush. “Wot! D’yer would then?”

“Course I’s would.” Bogbrush’s hand was suddenly on Luke’s knee. “Yer does, don’t yer? Yeah?”

Luke nodded, his mouth was suddenly dry. As the situation was, without even anything really happening the whole episode had proving far more arousing than he had thought possible. So arousing in fact, that to his utter horror he found himself uncontrollably wriggling on the chair, his cock was throbbing and a hot, sticky mess now filling the white briefs that were so prized by Bogbrush. Desperately trying to avoid any eye contact he knew he was red in the face, the humiliation of ejaculating even before they had really touched each other was too much.

“Yer will tell us when yer gonna cum won’t yer,” Bogbrush’s hand squeezed the knee, “I’s wants to catch all yer cum in me hand and lick it off, so let’s get started!”

In the adjacent aisle Kelvin, though still suffering from the bent and overwrought cock syndrome was making advances on the timid, plump Dave. Not that Dave objected for in fact he welcomed them, but to become involved with Kelvin equated to moving up to the senior league where serious adolescent penile pursuits were the norm. Additionally, he was still concerned that size mattered for his own modest offering could never compete with what Kelvin had to offer, even though Kelvin assured him it didn’t matter at all.

What really should have started to concern Dave was the matter of Kelvin’s personal hygiene or to be precise the lack of it, the obvious clue being the hint of stale semen that appeared to pervade his trousers. Being quite oblivious to the nauseous secretions of a weeks worth of self-abuse, plus the accumulation of rubberised horrors trapped under his foreskin from the previous evening, the question was would Dave actually care. In fact the bigger question was after the lesson, would either Kelvin or Dave even bother to wash their hands when the dinner bell rang. Probably not.

“Has yer got a wanking pocket then?”

“Wot.. oh.. wot? Oh, nah, nah I ain’t,” Dave felt guilty as though he should have, “nah.. ‘cause our mum would see like.”

“Well how d’yer do it when yer’s watching TV and that?” asked Kelvin, assuming that having a pocketless pocket in all pairs of trousers to enable the pleasuring oneself anywhere, anytime was quite normal.

“Wot! Yer wanks when yer watching box!” Dave was shocked. “Fuck! Do yer cum?”

“Course, yeah, in me pants,” he said proudly, “and I’s can do it without being seen moving if I’s brings me legs up on the sofa thing. Anywhere’s, anytime that’s me!”

“Cor..” there was note of jealousy in Dave’s voice, what he lacked was courage.

“And that dirty little Jase has started doing it now,” he laughed, “our mum caught him the other week, she gave him such a fucking look he went gert red in the face!”

“So yer does a lot in class then?” Dave shuffled on his seat, really aroused at the thought of the anywhere, anytime mantra, his cock strained against the wet spot that had just developed in his white briefs, ejaculation wasn’t too far off.

“I does it anyfuckingwhere, yer names it and I’s fucking wanked there!”

“Oh..” Dave looked at him in admiration, over awed, over sexed and feeling long overdue to ejaculate since waking that morning, he was more than ready.

“So why don’t yer get yer hand in me special pocket and give us a gert wank?”

“Oh..” Dave’s hand shook with excitement. “Is.. is.. yer gonna fiddle with me then?”

“Course I’s fucking is!” Kelvin grinned. “Get yer hand in me pocket and I’s see wot I’s can do with yer.”

Dave needed no second invitation. Although nervous, he pushed his hand into the open pocket to immediately discover there was no pocket at all, simply the cheap material of Guptha’s International lime green briefs. Nervous or not, he very soon plucked up enough courage to migrate to the impenetrable sown up fly where he discovered Kelvin’s cock to be at full stretch complete with a soggy patch where the oozing head nestled. Captivated, transfixed, entranced by having such a wonderfully large and slimy organ to play with he soon lost all interest in the offensive that Kelvin had now launched. Not even appearing to notice when his trousers were fully unzipped beneath the desk to display the matching white underwear Dave continued to very energetically work on Kelvin’s foreskin. However, in their over exuberance his slimy fingers unwittingly liberated all manner of micro-bacterial life and assorted repulsive lumpy bits many of which had been trapped for days, it was not as he was later to discover a wise move.

The other extreme was that it was also something of a delve into the unknown for Kelvin, for his hand was had disappeared into the excess folds flesh of dumpy Dave’s stomach and contrary to what he might have thought, he found it incredibly arousing to discover that buried in the hot flesh the below average cock also oozed precum. There was no nervous wait or on ceremony for Kelvin who immediately started groping, rubbing, poking and prodding to include, much to Dave’s excitement, an unwashed finger between his legs which only just failed to reach the entrance.

With that level of attention Dave couldn’t possibly hold out, inevitably he began to shudder as what felt like his largest ever orgasm took hold resulting in blasts of spunk over Kelvin’s hot, sticky, grubby hand. Both were over-excited and combined with Dave’s aggressive masturbation technique whereby Kelvin thought he was in danger of having the skin pulled off his already bruised cock. However the pain quickly turned to euphoria for moments later he too started to climax and easily produced as much semen as had Dave and Luke combined!

Also on the back row, some three desks away eagle-eyed Joel had noticed what was going on and just ejaculated in his underpants whilst he witnessed Kelvin withdraw his hand glistening with spunk from under the white of Dave’s vest and calmly proceed to lick it clean. Understandably, Dave was now in quite a state and not too sure what was happening for with his fly totally unfastened and gaping, the spunk soaked matching vest and briefs on display he looked distinctly glazed. The experience had so far exceeded any previous gentle classroom foray’s and as Luke was also in the process of discovering, classroom sex with either Bogbrush or Kelvin was in a different league.

Yet for Dave the experience was not yet over, for only now did he notice that Kelvin was obviously enjoying the final part of the operation which involved thoroughly licking the semen from his grubby hand. Determined to follow suit, what Dave didn’t fully realise was that Kelvin always produced incredible quantities of semen and his cock would go unwashed for weeks. So, to say the seminal fluid was contaminated was an understatement, for held in suspension were vast quantities of cheese and rubberised particles coupled with whatever else that had fermented in the pubic region, all when combined offered a unique flavour. And, as Dave was about to find out there was just so much of it, it dripped off his fingers as he withdrew from Kelvin’s pocket, as he looked at his hand he thought if it tasted as good as his own he was going to be in for a rare treat.

Hoping that nobody noticed he eagerly plunged two dripping fingers into his mouth to immediately discover it wasn’t quite the rare treat he was expecting, in fact it tasted quite disgusting, revolting in fact. But, what was he to do? The question further amplified by having Kelvin sat next to him as the master wanker personified who had set the parameters of their sexual adventure. Two fingers down left only another  two fingers and a thumb, plus maybe a bit of palm left to lick, the question was could he manage it? Of course he could he told himself, looking round to be sure nobody appeared to be looking he inserted the other two fingers whilst telling himself they did not smell too unpleasant.

Smiling in delight with what they had achieved and of Dave’s animated performance, Kelvin continued to lick his fingers obviously enjoying every last sperm. Managing a weak smile Dave wondered that if he wasn’t mistaken t looked as though Kelvin were now cleaning underneath his fingernails with his teeth! No, no it couldn’t be he told himself, yet hadn’t Kelvin intimated earlier how much he liked to play with his bottom?

To take his mind off such repulsive thoughts, there was only one thing left to do, that was other than continue spitting out tiny bits of something, some of which strangely tasted like rubber. The bottom line was that if he jettisoned such repulsive thoughts all that there was left to attend too was his thumb, that though was something he had been putting off, for where it joined his hand it had collected a disgustingly large blob of Kelvin’s finest semen. He looked at it from the corner of his eye, surely there weren’t little lumpy things floating in it were there? No, of course there weren’t, it was a trick of the light probably akin to refraction which was something else he had never learnt about in science.

His stomach rumbled, exhaustion both mental and physical were creeping up round him and the queasy feeling brought on by the taste of decaying rubber didn’t help. If he were to just suck his thumb clean then he would feel he had done enough, yet the thought of licking it really didn’t appeal so maybe, maybe he should just swallow it quickly down in one as though it were an oyster, whatever an oyster was, that was. Taking a deep breath, closing his eyes and raising his hand to his mouth it slipped down quicker than a greased eel in a milk bottle.

Sitting sat back on the chair he contemplated the mornings work for it had been quite an experience and with all Kelvin’s tasks now fully accomplished he could surely consider himself to be a fully fledged classroom wanker. However, the feeling of satisfaction did not last long for something was amiss. Was he over tired or could it have been the sickly, rubberised, cheesy flavoured content of the sperm oyster that lingered on his taste buds and filled the gaps between his teeth?

He didn’t feel well, at all well.

There was too little time to ponder the question for without any further warning he burped, he retched, he grabbed his stomach and shot to his feet intending to make a run for the toilet. Having now created quite a commotion the class looked round just in time to see his trousers fall to the floor around his feet and so curtail any real chance of escape. If the sight of his spunk soaked matching white underwear were not entertaining enough then the climax that was scheduled to follow some three seconds later would be. It could be nothing else but a truly fantastic display of high pressure, projectile regurgitation which instantly silenced the laughter as a veritable cascade of breakfast mixed with Kelvin’s spunk rained down onto the desks in front.

Even the normally unruffled Mr Hastings looked in disbelief. “Jesus!”

“Bleeding hell!” Bogbrush turned to a startled Luke. “Wot’s Kelv done to him!”

“Dunno,” replied Luke slowly, thoughtfully even, whilst watching Dave crumple up and slide into the pool of vomit on the floor, “has yer ever noticed there’s always them sodding carrots and tomatoes in it, even when yer ain’t never eaten ’em!”


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