Shades of Gray: A tale of the 1950’s
Kissing Gray seemed much more serious than kissing Trev.
Kissing Trev had been for fun and to see what it was like. Kissing Gray was because he was so beautiful it hurt. All those mornings in the school chapel, gazing at his blond curls and smooth skin. Those trips afterwards, to the bogs before first period, for a 65 second wank. Just so I could concentrate in class!
We could still hear Trev in the distance, chasing after Rico and not having much success.
Gray drew away and looked serious… “Was that OK? Kissing I mean, not too girly?”
“OK? I’ve wanted to do that all term!” I hadn’t known that was what I wanted, but it must have been.
“That’s OK then, I just didn’t want you to think I was girly”
He looked serious.
“I don’t think you girly. I don’t know what I think, but it isn’t girly. OK?”
“It’s just that when I see you, something happens. I want to do something and I’d no idea what it was. Now I know… I wanted to kiss you, but I didn’t know… till you…I didn’t know how to get you to do it without scaring you off…. ‘cos kissing is pretty girly. but it’s OK, I started it, not you, so you don’t have to worry about being girly”
He smiled. Or the sun came out… or something!
That did it.. I closed my eyes and this time I leaned towards him…
The soft warm rolling feeling as our lips met was… sweet… exciting… wow! just wow!
I suddenly realised that it wasn’t what it was, it was what it wasn’t…
It wasn’t dirty…
It wasn’t naughty…
It wasn’t wrong!
The things I had done with Rico and Trev, the boy in the cinema and loads of others… they were dirty, wonderfully dirty, they were naughty, gloriously naughty! I suspected they were wrong, but I didn’t know enough about it to be sure.
Kissing Gray? was just… the right thing to do… appropriate… what we were intended to do!
“Made for it!”… that’s the expression… “He was made for it!”
With everyone else, I had hoped we could do whatever it was again, and maybe again after that.
But I had kissed Gray just twice and now I wanted to do it again… forever, and then for an eternity after that.
Is that why people marry, so they can go on kissing forever?
Gray was still looking serious…
“Do you have to hurry off… seeing as we only just met?”
“Not really, mum won’t worry unless I miss two buses”
“Fancy sitting in the sun for a bit?”
He took me by the hand. I hadn’t held hands properly with another boy since I was a nipper, when we walked into class two by two.
His hand was warm and soft and he held me firmly.
He was telling me it wasn’t an accident.
The hand holding mine was telling me something… Telling me I wasn’t alone any more!
We walked on into the school wood till we came up against the fence. He sat down with his back resting against the chain links.
His hand never let go of mine. He drew me down beside him.
The grass was warm and soft as I sat down.
Gray put his arm around me and rolled me towards him. I reached for his cock thinking that was what he wanted.
He stopped me… “Not that, I didn’t mean that… just hold me”
I put an arm around his shoulders and pulled his head onto my shoulder, against my neck.
My nose was nestled in his hair, and the smell of it was delicious.
I put a hand up to his face and stroked his cheek… it was so smooth, no sign of a razor yet…
“Do you shave yet?”… “No, you?”… “Just for church on Sundays”.
I kissed the top of his head, pressing my lips to his hair.
I didn’t know if he was aware of being kissed. That didn’t seem important. It was more that I was kissing him than that he was being kissed. I wasn’t trying anything on, just kissing him for the sake of kissing him.
His hand was stroking the small of my back, just as if I was a puppy or a kitten. I don’t think… in fact I’m certain that he wasn’t trying to turn me on or anything like that. He was just stroking me because that was what you did if you were close to someone special and couldn’t sit still.
I rolled closer to him, resting the length of my body against his.
“I wish we could go to sleep like this…”
“Maybe one day… we can do it up on the tops, Scouts’ Hollow maybe… it isn’t too cold yet.”
“We could sleep all afternoon and wake up still cuddled up…” He sighed.
He had moved his head and my occasional kiss was now landing on his forehead.
“No, no, it tickles nice… I’m just happy that’s all”
“Have you really been waiting all term to talk to me?”
“Yeah, all term”
“Its been a long wait”, and he smiled.
“What made you wait? Why didn’t you say?”
“I didn’t know if you… played… you know…”
“Then Trev promised me you did… He’d seen you going in the bogs with Rico, and not coming out again till the bell went”
“He said he was waiting to catch you on your own!”
“He did that!!” I blurted.
“Yeah, I know, sounds like it was fun… He’s good at it?”
“Yes, he wanted me to blow him, and he’s blown me… weren’t you… aren’t you jealous?”
He smiled sadly… “Not really, it was my own fault for waiting for you to make the first move”
“I wish I had known… Watching for you each morning and having to wank off after assembly just to get my horn to go… We could have been looking after each other instead… all that time”
He patted my hand. “Never mind, we got here eventually”
I ran a finger along the sharp line of his jaw… so smooth and sharp… like our kitten, so fragile… his neck so thin and his hair so soft.
I was really hard! I know sex wasn’t what either of us wanted… just each other’s company and warmth and smell and… No, sex wasn’t what we wanted but that didn’t stop me getting hard anyway.
My finger under his jaw tilted his head back and our lips met. Neither of us consciously moved, but our lips met anyway. The kiss lasted forever and was over too soon.
“I’m glad we came before we really met… it’s made it so much nicer”
“Yes, you’re more than just another one in the back of my diary!”
“You keep a list?”
“Yes, everyone I have ever wanked with… there are ten on it now, you are my tenth and my first”
“The first that I have wanted to cuddle more than I wanted to be wanked off”
“Not just another name in your list then?” He smiled and gave me a quick kiss.
“No. Not just another name, not just another boy with his cock out.”
“I do want all that too… but mostly I want to be your friend, your best-friend, to kiss like I kiss my little brother… I don’t know… it’s so complicated… I just want to hold you, and kiss you and know we have something that we can’t explain. Its not understanding what I feel that makes it so special”
“That was a very long sentence” he said… “You, will seriously need to learn to love me and breathe at the same time!”.
I laughed, he had said “love”… it seemed so out of place beside a rugby field in a mining valley.
“We shall have to go home soon”
“Yes, and it’s too soon”. he said.
I rolled him over onto me. I was lying on my back, and he was now lying between my legs. I could feel the hardness of him resting against mine, and I put my hands on his bottom and pressed us together.
He kissed and then made a single thrusting motion with his hips… I gasped with pleasure.
“Down tiger! that will have to wait… you’re late and we don’t want your mum deciding I’m a bad influence”
“She mightn’t let you come over for the weekend if she thought I led you astray”
“Yes, I live in town just up from Hanbury Square, near the park. If we went to the cinema in the evening you would need to stay over at my place. It would save you the long walk back in the dark across the pit”
“Fucking hell! You’ve got it all worked out already… I didn’t stand a chance did I?”
“Not a chance… and if its now then it has to be this weekend.” he said, I didn’t understand but he smiled and kissed me again.
“Time we were off… what shall we tell Trev? losing two boyfriends in one afternoon!”.
He looked serious and sad, so I kissed him.
After that it was worship from afar again as far as Gray and I were concerned.
Our brief moment in the woods was as far as it went that week.
Rico and I tossed each other off on the cross-country course on Wednesday afternoon.
You might wonder why I didn’t feel bad about doing it with Rico while Gray was stuck in a geography lesson. I certainly did, wonder I mean. It seemed to me that there was a huge difference between wanking with Rico and kissing Gray… Wanking was just two friends getting each other off, just as we had since we were eleven.
Kissing Gray, on the other hand, had been a near religious experience.
I remembered taking part in a choral service in Llandaff Cathedral.
The joy of being a treble and hearing my voice rising into the stone vault of the cathedral, getting louder and higher and more beautiful as we held the sustained notes… was just like kissing Gray.
Okay, I know its over the top and a bit soppy, but this was the first boy that I had kissed simply because he was beautiful and was lying beside me on the warm grass, and because I had been unable to take my eyes off him since the year had started.
I didn’t think that Gray and I had really sexed together yet. We had tossed each other off… in a hurry. But… None of that really counted. I don’t know why, but it didn’t. I had wanked-off dozens of times with his image in my closed eyes. Sometimes in bed at night, one that I could make last. But often just a quick one in the bogs, after school-assembly. Simply because staring at him during assembly had made it impossible to concentrate. I needed to be able to think of something else, like lessons! The board-rubber hurt if you didn’t see it coming!
In assembly, the beauty of the back of his neck was almost unbearable, his beautiful blond curls and slim fragile neck. I wanted to stroke him the way I wanted to stroke my younger brother’s kitten. To stroke him and nuzzle my nose in his fur and take deep breaths to fill my mind with the smell of him.
Okay, so the kitten had more fur!
Gray’s fur was so blond it almost didn’t show, and when its wet in the showers it disappeared altogether. I knew because I saw him once, but it was a once that was rerun many times as I prepared to sleep.
Thursday afternoon we had both asked to leave ten minutes early, he to get to a doctor’s appointment (for a polio vaccination) and I had the dentist. So we completely accidentally met in the cloakroom among the smelly damp raincoats. The dense racks of coats and the tiled floor gave us cover as good as dense woods, so…
I spotted Gray just as he spotted me.
We grinned and stood there embarrassed, neither of us quite knowing what to do next.
What I did was silly really, but felt right. I stuck out my hand, as if to shake hands!
He grabbed it and drew me towards him. We sort of hugged, not quite an embrace and not quite not, if you know what I mean.
Boys didn’t cuddle in broad daylight in the cloakrooms amongst the mac’s, or did they?
Gray put an arm around me and pulled me close to him. I did the same, and the not-quite an embrace became an embrace and then the embrace became a cuddle. Somewhere along the way, our cheeks met, warm with fierce blushes (we were both blond and prone to blushing).
The heat led to us kissing, gently at first and then as if our lives depended on it. At least three days and nearly a year of longing went into those kisses.
Hearing someone coming we broke apart, but were still standing far too close for misunderstanding.
Terry stuck his head round the coats, grinned and said “Come on you pair of budgies, its late for the early bus, we’d better hurry”
Budgies! In those days, in the valleys, you referred to a courting-couple as budgies!
I had heard him coming, I was certain he hadn’t seen us cuddling or kissing.
So why did he call us budgies?
Maybe a year of staring at one another had not gone entirely un-noticed.
I wondered… Was he the only one that would notice us pairing up at last?
Wanking-off together or in class was naughty and therefore absolutely normal, perfectly acceptable… but lovers… budgies? absolutely not. I hoped to God he would keep his thoughts to himself or life was going to get very embarrassing! Occasionally boys had sort of paired up. Their exclusivity had resulted in enough playful teasing to break them up. Without open bullying or anything like that, the school traditions were just enough to hold the line at friends who wank.
Perhaps it was just that coming singly from different villages we only met at school, so none of us were so pushed together that rivalries occurred much… or maybe we were just a nice bunch of boys.
I have no recollection of why, but bullying was rare.
If you were little and blond with huge blue eyes then your hymnal and psalter would go missing and turn up weeks later, or your desk would be turned back to front with the class giggling as you tried to sort it out, but that was mostly as far as teasing went.
Maybe gifted kids don’t have the same priorities as their dimmer mates… or maybe we were just nice kids.
I certainly hoped so.
If people were going to recognise what had happened to Gray and me… We were going to need friends who were nice kids!
We ran for the bus. A bit difficult because I had a terrific horn.
When Gray was kissing me he had felt me up. It felt great, but Terry arrived just before I got to cop feels of Gray.
I wished Terry had waited a moment longer.
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