by Daniel Self
Philip lay on top of his bed in his pyjamas watching Christian change into his uniform. He looked at his watch. Nine twenty, still more than an hour until lights out.
“What do you think he’ll he do?” Philip asked. Nearly fifteen years old they might be, but this was unknown territory.
“I don’t fucking know.” Christian’s voice was an animal combination of fear and anger. Philip knew he was also on difficult ground. He knew Christian messed about with other boys, he had often enough wished he messed about with him, but Philip had never had the guts to push it. Christian had never wanted to talk about what he did with Steven, with Michael, with Jonathan and probably several other members of the fifth form.
“They can’t do much. What are they going to do, expel you?”
“Not for being gay, not now, it’s not the bloody dark ages any more.”
Philip was trying to get Christian to see things in perspective. Yes, he had been caught by Robbo, their housemaster, yes, it was in Cantrill’s room; yes, he had been cumming in Cantrill’s mouth at the time, but…
“I’m not fucking queer!”
There was silence. They both knew that declaration for the lie it was and Philip knew that Christian was close to tears. He rolled over. He could feel himself starting to go hard and, as Robbo would no doubtless have said in his strange nasal tones, `This is neither the time nor the place.’
Philip adored Christian. He was the smartest and funniest boy in the fifth form. Philip also thought he was the most handsome. His face, his body, already beginning to change into the man he would be. Most of all though, Philip adored him because he was kind. Philip had never once felt that he was anything but the most important person in the world to Christian. When Philip had first found out that Christian might be queer, his heart had soared. At last, he had planned, he could reveal his love for Christian and it would be reciprocated.
But it hadn’t happened like that at all. Christian didn’t like him – well, not that way anyway. Philip had tried getting physically close to him; it wasn’t difficult, they shared a room, but Christian would never show any interest. He always went somewhere else, to someone else. They never talked about it. They had never talked about it, until now.
Christian, now in his uniform sat on his bed. He looked up at Philip, his eyes red and straining to hold back the tears that were forming in them. He was very frightened. His voice was pleading.
“Fuck Philip, what am I going to do? What can I do?”
Philip looked at him, big strong Christian who knew everything, who looked out for everyone else, who would have given anyone anything he had, crying. Philip didn’t know what to do. He wanted to sit next to him and hug him, tell him it was all going to be alright as he was sure it would be, but he knew Christian would be uncomfortable with that.
“Did he say how long?” Philip wondered how many minutes, or maybe hours, before the knock on the door to summon Christian to Robbo’s study. Christian shook his head.
“He just told me to go back here and wait and Steven was to get dressed and come to his study straight away.”
Even now it was out in the open, Philip could see the shame and guilt in Christian’s face. Philip remembered himself when he had first started at school. He had started wetting the bed. No one had ever teased him about it, like you never teased anyone for being homesick. It was just one of those things that happened, but it didn’t stop the shame or embarrassment. Philip wondered if Christian felt like that now.
“I don’t mind, you know. Honest. I mean it Christian.”
“You should.” That fear and anger was there again. Philip felt that Christian wanted to throw something back at him, almost that he wanted to hurt him. May be that would help.
“Why?” Philip braced himself, but Christian just looked down, gazing into his lap.
“Why should I mind?” Philip persisted.
“What do you think they’ll all think of you? You share a room with me.”
“Who’s `they all’ Christian? I mean, who actually knows about this apart from you and me and Steven and Robbo?”
“So what do you think’s going to happen Christian?” Philip was determined, “I mean, do you think that Robbo is going to announce it in breakfast tomorrow.” Philip began to imitate their house master’s voice, `House, I regret to have to raise a most unpleasant matter for all of us. Last night Mr Nilsson and Mr Cantrill were found together in Mr Cantrill’s room. Hmmmm. This sort of thing leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.’
Philip looked and saw a glimmer of a smile on Christian’s face. He looked up again at Philip, his blue eyes still wet with tears, his short blond hair a halo in the light of the beside lamp behind him.
“I’m sorry Philip.” And then the tears started again, this time not silent, but sobbing as Christian’s whole body shook. “It’s so fucking horrible. I try to stop, really I do.” Philip wondered what he should do. His friend, his best friend who he loved more than anything in the world was in despair, no longer speaking, just moaning to himself.
‘Time to be practical’ he thought to himself.
“Christian, just listen for a minute please, just for a minute.”
Christian looked up.
“Look,” Philip continued trying to sound sensible, “you have to go and see Robbo in a few minutes and you look…” Philip thought for a moment, “you look a bloody mess.”
He walked over to the small sink in the corner of the room and picking up Christian’s flannel, ran it under some warm water before wringing it out. He walked over to Christian and sat next to him on his bed.
“Look at me!”
Christian turned to face Philip, slightly surprised by the sound of authority in his voice.
“Where’s your snot-rag?”
Christian reached into the pocket of his uniform trousers and pulled out a clean handkerchief.
“Blow your nose!”
Christian blew and after wiping his nose replaced the handkerchief.
“Now hold still!”
Philip gently wiped around Christians eyes and then the rest of his face. He could feel another erection forming and quickly crossed his legs.
“There. That’s better, a bit red in the eyes still, but at least you look presentable.” Philip smiled at Christian, savouring this opportunity to care for his friend.
“Give us a smile!”
Christian smiled, weakly but determined, it seemed to satisfy Philip.
“I’m sorry.” Christian’s voice was a whisper.
“Fuck being sorry. If you do something to upset me I’ll let you know and quit with the being horrible too.” Philip grinned as he said it and briskly rubbed the top of Christian’s head in what he felt was a safely mannish way.
“I’m sor…” Philip held his hand over Christian’s mouth.
There was a knock at the door and Martin Shawcross, their head of house opened the door.
“Robbo wants you in his study.” He looked at Christian sitting on his bed in his uniform with less than an hour to lights out. “Looks like you were expecting it!” He left.
Christian stood up. Philip, practical to the last, reached up to his neck and tightened his tie for him.
“It’ll be okay.” he said in the most comforting voice he could manage. “It will.”
Christian nodded and went out of the room, leaving the door open.
Philip pushed the door closed and flopped back onto his bed, his hands behind his head. Philip didn’t know why, but his eyes welled up with tears. He wasn’t crying, well not out loud, but he could feel something giving way inside him. He felt tired. Giving his love to Christian was what he most wanted to do and now, a couple of wipes with a wet flannel and it was over. It wasn’t enough; Philip wanted more, much more. Maybe he was stupid, perhaps he should move on. For a moment he tried to cheer himself up in his mind with plans to find someone else, there must be someone else. Forget Christian, well, forget him as a boyfriend, a wish-he-was boyfriend. He could love someone else and surely someone else could love him? It was no good though, he knew that for the time being, no one else could be in his thoughts.
There was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” Philip called wearily.
It was Steven Cantrill. He looked in the room and not seeing Christian fumbled for a reason to be there.
“Has he gone?”
Philip didn’t know whether he was supposed to know where Christian had gone. Still less did he know if he was supposed to know why.
“Yeah.” Not committing himself to anything.
Steven looked at Philip. He could see why Christian liked him so much, His light brown hair, so straight and thin and his wide brown eyes, even darker with the pupils dilated in the dimmed light.
“Did he tell you?” Steven asked, shame-faced.
Philip nodded. He looked at Steven, not jealous but wondering what Steven had that he didn’t.
“Do you want to wait for him?”
“Can’t – have to get to bed.”
“Was it okay, with Robbo I mean?”
Steven smiled and nodded.
“Christian thinks he’s going to get expelled or something.” Philip said.
“He’s not. Robbo’s alright, he…” Steven’s voice trailed off. Somehow talking about it felt like a breach of confidence, “You know.”
Philip felt some relief. He looked at Steven “I never saw him so miserable, he was frightened.”
Steven looked at Philip wondering when it was okay to break a promise. When it was okay not to keep a secret that he had given his word he would keep.
“Christian’s in love, he thinks he’s going to lose everything,” Steven continued, “everything that matters to him anyway.”
Philip felt his dream finally crumpled by Steven’s reply, now he understood, and with the understanding came a pain that showed in his eyes as he spoke,
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Philip wanted Steven to go. It was hurting too much now, he was too tired, he wanted to go to sleep. Steven looked at him.
Steven could see Philip’s eyes, but a promise was a promise. “It’s not me.” he said, but Philip didn’t really care who it was, he just wanted to be on his own.
“I’ll tell him you came round.” Philip tried to sound final.
Steven stood for a moment looking at Philip then left, closing the door behind him. Philip went to the sink, cleaned his teeth and gave his face a quick wash. He noticed Christian’s flannel hanging on the end of the bed and remembered his minutes of bittersweet happiness earlier. He rinsed it out and hung it over the chromium rail beneath the sink. It was strange to be in the room alone at bed time. He wondered how much longer Christian would be and as he wondered he remembered Christian’s tears and how unhappy he had been. He felt his own tears starting again, running silently. He got into his bed and turned out his light. He shifted around with his bedding, one pillow beneath his head and the other at his side as he cuddled up to it facing to the wall.
“I wished you loved me.” he said out loud, now Christian wasn’t there to hear “I love you so much.” Within minutes he was asleep.
The sound of the door opening, or maybe it was the light that woke Philip. He heard the door being carefully closed so as not to disturb him. He lay still, unsure of whether to let Christian know he was awake. He could hear the soft rustling of Christian undressing in the dark, buttons being undone, his zip. Philip felt his cock hardening again. He rolled over.
“You’re still awake.” Christian responded to Philip’s whisper. Philip sat up in his bed able to see Christian standing naked near the sink fiddling in the dark for his toothbrush.
“You can turn the light on if you want.” Philip whispered, his eyes were accustomed to the dark and it was funny to see Christian feeling about trying to find his toothpaste.
“How did it go?”
“It was okay.”
“Did they expel you?”
“No.” Christian sniggered, “They didn’t expel me, nor are they going to move me into a single room or anything else horrid.”
“Robbo said he had come in because he had smelled someone smoking. Said that finding us was unfortunate but that he didn’t feel he could just ignore it.”
“Blimey, so what’s he going to do then?”
“He said when he started here boys would have been expelled but times had changed, for the better he said. Then he asked a few questions, basically making sure that it was what Cantrill and me both had wanted to do, that it was…” Christian couldn’t remember the word.
“Yeah, and told me about it being something that boys… well all sorts of stuff, you know, not appropriate in school, need to be more private. It was funny, I don’t think he wanted to talk about it any more than me, but he couldn’t just let it go by. I asked him if they’d tell my parents, anyway apparently they record it but he said that that was something I…” Christian was starting to looked embarrassed. He stopped. Philip remembered Steven talking earlier, remembered how private he seemed to be about the conversation. He didn’t want to make Christian feel awkward.
“Told you, told you it’d be alright.”
Christian’s eyes had adjusted to the dark of the room, and now the amber glow of the sodium light from the street lamps outside was enough to allow him to see Philip sitting up in his bed. He reached under his pillow for his pyjamas and put them on then sat on his own bed.
“Will you still be my friend, I mean like before?”
Philip’s eyes strained to see Christian looking at him, to read the expression on his face, but the light was not quite enough.
“Will you answer me one question first before I answer?” Philip wanted to know the answer to the question that burned inside him now.
“Anything.” Christian said “I promise.”
Philip paused for a moment, knowing that he was about to end his love for Christian, to lay down a ghost.
“Cantrill said you’re in love.”
Christian sat still, breathing falteringly.
“Who is it Christian?”
“I don’t know what he means, he’s just being silly.” Christian’s tone was defensive.
“You promised you’d answer.” Philip felt the weary sadness of earlier returning. He just wanted it all to end.
“He was being stupid.” More lies. Philip raised his voice.
“He wasn’t being stupid. He knew. He said you thought you were going to lose everything, he said you loved someone and now you would lose them and it was important to you, and why won’t you fucking tell me. You’re my friend, I wouldn’t tease you, I wouldn’t mind, I just want to know, please Christian. Tell me!” Philip’s voice became louder and more desperate. He was losing control of himself and he knew it, knew he was crying.
“No one, Philip, please.”
“No!” Philip was sobbing now, and angry. Angry with the whole world, with his own misplaced and stupid love, with his stupid and lying friend.
“No! Not `Philip please’. Tell me who.” The last word was a miserable howl.
“Can’t you fucking guess.” Christian was helpless, cornered.
“How should I fucking know? Cantrill? – he said it’s not him. Johnson? Stewart? Williams? Anyone? Everyone?”
Philip lay back down in his bed, facing the wall, cuddling his pillow again. He had had enough and just sobbed quietly. He felt an unsteady hand on his shoulder.
“Do you really not know?” Christian spoke, his voice a strained whisper.
Philip turned over, looking up at Christian as he sat down on the edge of his bed.
“No!” his reply was tired but sharp, “You never told me.”
Christian leant down and kissed his forehead, softly and gently. Philip could feel the damp of Christians cheeks. He wasn’t the only one who had cried. He gazed at Christian as he pulled his head back, hardly daring to believe the thoughts he was having were real, hardly daring to hope and yet suddenly realising that he had always been the most important thing in Christian’s life, that Christian had always loved him.
“You never told me.”
Quieter and calmer, he felt his anger flowing away from him as he took in what Christian was silently saying to him, with his eyes, with his face. How could he not have seen it before? He reached his hands to Christian’s head and pulled it back towards him, kissing him on the lips, only pressing, waiting for a reply. Christian’s lips shaped themselves to Philip’s mouth and he felt the warm wetness of Christian’s tongue pushing his lips. He opened his mouth and held Christian’s head tightly, pressing his face against him. The kiss lasted for minutes as both boys tried for the first time this hitherto unrealised sensory connection. Philip stopped and knelt up in his bed pushing the duvet underneath his knees. His cock stood pushed out from the loose fly of his pyjamas, but Christian didn’t notice, still staring entranced into the face that had kissed him, that he had kissed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Philip’s voice trembled with the shock. Christian looked down, and then away to one side as he saw Philip’s erection, its glistening tip just showing from the foreskin.
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Hurt me?” Philip didn’t understand. “You think not knowing didn’t hurt?”
“I didn’t want,” Christian looked to the other side, almost mumbling, “didn’t want to make you into someone like me.”
“Not like you? The most beautiful, funniest, kindest person in the world. Why would I not want to be like you Christian?” Philip paused and Christian looked into his eyes pleading, desperate to know what he should say next, not daring even to voice the guilt he felt, the shame of this exposure to his best friend.
“Kiss me again” Philip closed his arms around Christian. They kissed and as they did Philip pushed Christian back onto his bed so that he could lie half on top, half beside him. He reached to the buttons of Christian’s pyjama top and began to undo them rubbing his belly and chest and pushing his hard cock against Christian’s hip.
“I’m a boy Christian. I love you. I’ve always loved you, but you always said no. I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t want to perve you. Anyone else, but not you, I love you.” Christian struggled trying to understand himself. “I didn’t want you to be…” Christian didn’t know anymore what he had wanted. “I’m sorry. Oh Philip, why? Why am I like this Philip? I just want to be normal.”
Philip held his friend tightly and continued gently caressing his chest. He spoke into Christian’s ear.
“I don’t want you to be normal Christian. You’re not normal, not to me. It’s because you are what and who you are that I love you. I won’t break you know, and even if I did, I’d pick up the pieces. Sex isn’t dirty and horrible, you’re not dirty and horrible. It’s part of love too. Sometimes I lie in my bed here watching you reading your book and thinking how I love you, how I want to hold you, kiss you and cuddle up with you in bed. Sometimes I dream of our bodies close, hot, sweating, doing stuff but doing it because… because, I don’t know, because I love you, because that’s what people do when they love each other – they share everything and I want to share me with you.”
Christian was quiet as Philip’s hand slipped down over his chest to his stomach and then to the waistband of his pyjamas. He pushed his hand underneath and felt the tender hardness of Christian’s erection brushing the back of his hand as he stroked his fingers across the tight curls of of Christian’s pubic hair. He reached further and felt the soft sac of his scrotum, and gently explored the shape of his balls between his fingers. He leant over Christian and kissed him again. Christian grunted, a convulsion somewhere between a sob and a laugh.
“What?” Philip looked at him unsure of whether Christian was happy or sad.
“Do you know, this is the first time I’ve ever kissed someone? Well like that, on the lips and mouths and stuff.”
“Me too, but I’ve wanted to for so long.”
Christian’s body convulsed again, but this time he could no longer hold the waves of emotion and confusion that swept through him. Philip could see his tears and felt the jerking in his stomach.
“I never even knew, never knew I could, never knew we could, not boys I mean.”
Philip sat up and whispered,
“Sit up a minute.” Christian did as Philip asked. He would have done anything Philip asked. Philip gently pulled back Christian’s pyjama top and then removed his own, throwing both to the floor. He then removed his bottoms and sat naked next to Christian and eased him back to lie on the bed. Philip was in charge, and Christian raised his hips from the bed as Philip pulled down his pyjamas. Philip straddled Christian just below his chest but supporting most of his weight on his knees. His cock stood out in front of him measuring the pounding of his heart. Christian lay still looking at the beautiful boy above him, savouring the unfamiliar contact of skin on skin, discovering for the first time the sexual feeling that could come from all over his body, not just the cock and balls that he and other boys had played with.
“Touch me Christian.” Philip asked as he began to run his hands over Christian’s body. Christian ran his hands down the sides of Philip’s chest feeling the ridges of his ribs softened beneath the warm skin. His traced the inward curve at Philip’s waist and then out again to his hips and his soft buttocks. Philip moaned softly as the boy whom he had adored for so long reached and touched him where he had never been touched by anyone, feeling the unfamiliar flavour of adrenaline that seemed to be making every nerve of his body sing. Christian’s hand reached around his cock and held it with a perfect tightness gently moving back and forward pulling the untried tightness of his foreskin back and forth over the head, its movement soothed and lubricated by the thin fluid that oozed from the eye.
Philip didn’t want to cum. Not so quickly and he felt that somehow, this time, the first time he should make Christian cum first; that Christian should know that everything was for Christian because he loved him. He shuffled back parting Christian’s thighs and kneeling between them, began stroking every part of Christian that he could reach, every part except his cock which lay taut and hard, pointing towards the flesh spiral of his navel. Then he leant over and, as he had always dreamed he would, took Christians erection in his mouth. Moving his head up and down, his lips held stiffly over his teeth he continued to caress Christian’s body and balls with his hands. He felt Christian’s sac contract in the warmth of his hand.
“I’m cumming.” If it was a warning, it was wasted on Philip who increased his pace as he felt Christian’s hips pushing at him. Suddenly, Christian grunted and Philip felt his mouth full of sperm. He kept his lips tightly round the shaft and slowly diminishing both the friction and the pace of his movements until he felt Christian’s hand on the back of his head holding him still. He pulled away, his mouth still full of the bleachy sweet seed and licked at Christian’s sac and below covering his crotch with a mix of semen and saliva.
“Hold your legs together, tightly.” Christian, momentarily confused did so as Philip moved first to one side and then sat across his thighs looking at him. Then he lay down on top of him and Christian felt the hard length of Philip’s cock push in between his legs, just below his cock. He reached his arms around Philip holding his tightly to him as they kissed and Philip began to thrust his hips up and down, slowly at first and then faster until he climaxed, feeling his seed coursing through his cock, clinging with all his strength to Christian’s shoulders.
Philip wanted to bury himself in Christian; he pushed his face into his shoulders, wetting them with the tears of happiness and the sweat that poured from him. Christian softly rubbed his back and backside enjoying the weight of Philip’s slender body on him, feeling the closeness of skin on skin, of boy on boy and knowing, for the first time with certainty that this was where he belonged, this was what had been missing. Philip rolled off him lying at his side and holding his hand, still recovering his breath, still awed by the experience of making love for the first time.
Christian propping himself up on his elbow idly drew circles and lines with his finger on the smooth belly and chest that rose and fell beside him.
“Okay?” he looked at Philip. Philip smiling back just nodded. “Still love me?” Philip grinned this time and nodded again. Suddenly Christian was aware of feeling happy, happy in a new way. He leant down and softly kissed Philip’s lips and as he did so realised that he had never felt content like this after sex things before. Usually it was a quick wipe up and splitting up to avoid any suspicion or a solitary walk back to his room, feeling bad and ashamed, but tonight he felt he could tell the whole world how much he loved Philip.
“I love you.” He kissed him again, “now I love you more than ever.”
Philip brushed his hand through Christian’s hair.
“Sleep in the same bed?”
“I’d like that” Christian replied, “I’d like that more than anything in the world.”
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