Robin Hood And Some Very Merry Men
Robin was busy bonking Maid Marion, but was struggling as Marion did not seem to be that interested, in fact while he humped she was half way through eating a chicken they had called “Paxo.” She even got bored with that and threw it away.
“Thank you Marion.” Called out one of the Merry men. She looked up to see who it was.
“Which one are you?”
“John of Arc Marion.”
“Was it you who fucked me this morning?”
“Think so, chickens nice.”
“Oh do come on Robin, I have to get back to the Castle, there is a swingers party and the Sheriff has ordered me to be there.
“And just who are YOU going to be swinging with may I ask? Not me obviously.” Marion sighed and farted which rather put Robin off the moment.
“How many more times do I have to explain? We all chuck our room keys in the middle of the floor, pick one out and off you go.” What she had failed to mention was that it was usually only her, the Sheriff and his entire male staff. One of them would pick Marion’s key and the rest would go off and have a good time.
Robin gave up and his dick went soft and fell out.
“Little John hurry up Marion’s got to go.” Little John was getting close and with a couple of more thrusts he yelled out which told the whole of Nottinghamshire and surrounding counties he was about to cum and shot his usual massive load into Robin. He withdrew his 10 inches and got to his feet pulling his leathers up and tied the cord. That allowed Robin to get off his true love, Maid Marion. She pulled her underthings back up and her overthings back down and went to the water bucket and after a splash over her face she was ready for the party.
“Right, who is taking me back to Nottingham then?” All the Merry men looked the other way, it was dark and none of them liked to go out when it was. Marion was just a tad pissed off.
“You lot are supposed to be brave and would die to protect a lady.”
“If we knew one we would.” Marion glared at the Merry man.
“What’s your name?”
“Oliver of Twist Marion.”
“Have you ever fucked me?”
“No thanks Marion.”
“You will do on the way to Nottingham, get the horses ready.”
“We only got one Marion.”
“No problem you can fuck me while we ride.” That was the first English historical record of bare backing on the bare back of a horse.
Robin had by now also splashed his face and had pulled up his rather fetching tight tights of Lincoln Green. He tied his Lincoln Green shirt up by the leather thong and then his cow hide jacket. He picked up his felt hat with the long Pheasant tail feather and placed it at a jaunty angle on his head in all the colours of the rainbow.
“Oh I DO love my hat, it makes feel SO gay and happy.” When the Merry men saw Robin put it on they knew he was back on duty and in command even though he looked a bit of a twat. There would now be a meeting and even Marion could not leave until it was over. She, Robin and the 30 Merry men gathered round ye ole oake fyre and Robin bought the meeting to order.
“Item number one. Some fucker light the fire, it’s freezing in here.”
“Item number two, any more business?”
“NO!” 31 voices shouted out.
“I second.” Marion said and grabbed the unfortunate Oliver of Twist and dragged him out. Now the meeting had come to an exhausting conclusion they all got ready for sleep which meant all they had to do was lay down, they were already in their sleeping bags of cow hide, except Marion and the unfortunate Oliver of Twist of course and by the time she had her way with him he could no longer sing, “AAAAAAS long as he needs me…,” and, “Boy for sale!”
In fact there was a great deal to discuss, but Robin had promised Will Scarlet he could fuck him and hoped that this time Will would actually get a hardon. Will had inferiority problems in that every time he tried to have sex his partner at the time would crease up when they saw his miniscule cock and was the only man in the whole of England who could fuck the eye of a needle and still have room for the thread, according to English historical cock size records of the time anyway.
“Who is on night guard?” Asked Robin.
“Blind of Bat Robin.”
“Well its night time so that shouldn’t be a problem.”
“He’s deaf as well and lost one eye.”
“Shit, why did I take him on then?”
“10 inch cock?”
“Oh right, tell him to see me first thing in the morning.”
“How can I, HE’S DEAF!”
“OK OK, NO NEED TO SHOUT!” Robin shouted.
Robin cuddled into Will Scarlet laughing his head off, Will poor lad was sobbing his heart out. “Robin do please stop your merriment and help me by sucking upon my cock.”
“I AM!” Will thought life was a bitch.
There was a lot of noise coming from the Merry men as 15 were being fucked by the other 15. Robin would only allow 15 sleeping cow hide bags and the 30 Merry men had to share and they also had to sleep with a different Merry man every night which was the first English historical recording of team building and bonding.
Robin had got his band of brothers together two years previously after a strict selection process by calling in each applicant for his interview who would enter the small cow hide tent with his sponsor who would vouch for the applicant and measuring their cocks. In those days of yore there was no cock measuring devices and so he had cut a length of ye olde oak which became for all time what we now know as a foot or 12 inches. No school kid ever found out the 12 inch ruler they used for hundreds of years came about by measuring Robin’s Merry men’s cocks! All that was all down to the first applicant who happened to be black.
“Chief Ekenedilichukwu Enyinnaya Gwandoya Horn of South Africa. Robin ran out of parchment and quills.
“South Africa, where’s that?”
“In the south of Africa?”
“Oh right. Get your leathers off.” Ekenedilichukwu undid his Crocodile skin belt and raised his hands above his head and Robin looked on in amazement as the leathers dropped to the floor at great speed.
“Fuck! They went down quick, what are your leathers made of?”
“Rhino hide. Much superior to the shit you get here, but I think I should have killed it first.” As if to prove him right they shot out of the tent leaving Chief Ekenedilichukwu trouserless. Robin did not see them go as he was ogling at Ekenedilichukwu’s massive cock.
“Fuck ME Elenedil… sod it, “Horny.” The newly named Horny took that as part of the interview and did. Afterwards Robin threw away his cock measuring twig and carved a replica of Horny’s ass bender.
“From this day on this will become the standard cock measuring device.” Robin declared and Horny became his first Merry man. Robin was quite chuffed as well it has to be said, that was until he caught Marion being shagged by a horny Horny and became the first person ever to be deported from England and Robin repairing his spell checker.
At long last Robin had selected his band of Merry men which he thought was rather strange really because he did not take on one applicant, apart from Horny of course and he didn’t last long, but the sponsors instead as the average cock length was two inches greater than whose who had applied in the first place and that’s where the old saying comes from, “A cock in time can fuck nine.” Or was it, “A cock in ass maketh men Merry?” Who cares, both were true. He looked at the cock measuring devise and asked his men what he should do with it now he did not need it anymore? BD of SM took it from Robin and pulled his tight tights down. “Bend over Robin.”
It took two hours for Marion and Friar Tuck to get the splinters out. All the Merry men stood around watching, Robin had a REALLY cute ass.
Now they were a band of Merry men Robin took them deep into Sherwood forest to find a suitable camp site, but after a couple of hours the lads were getting just a tad fed up.
“Robin do you know whereth we go? I’m sure we are going in circles, I have seen that tree several times now.” Said Epsom of Epsom.
“They all look the same you twat.” Robin said, but looked a tiny bit worried.
“NO Robin, I remember that carving in that trunk, look.” Robin went to the tree and read the carving, it said, “I fucked Marion here 1438.” Robin stared at Marion and she blushed and averted her eyes.
“Who the fuck was it?”
“Oh Robin, I was young and innocent and he was such a handsome man………. he spoke in such a romantic manner which made my juices run hot.”
“What did he say then?”
“Wanna fuck big tits?”
“You haven’t got big tits.”
“I did in those days! You lot ruined them!”
“And how long ago was it he took your purity?”
LOOK AT THE DATE PILLOCK! Anyway it was not he who took my innocence, it was the Sheriff of Nottingham, he spoke soooo… ”
“Ok ok I know the next bit. Let me try it… Wanna fuck big tits?”
“ROBIN! Not in front of the Merry men!”
“We don’t mind Marion!!!!!!” They all shouted.
“Fuck off you disgusting common filthy perverts!” Marion screamed at them, crouched down, removed Robin’s dildo and had a piss.
And now you know the REAL reason why Robin became the arch enemy of the dastardly Sheriff of Nottingham, he had nobbled his Marion before he had. Oh and one less important reason, the rotten blaggard was supporting the evil Prince John who was about to take the throne of England while King Richard was “Banged up Abroad.”
Robin decided that this spot would be where they would make their camp and the first tree to come down was the one with the carving on it. Robin never found out that Marion cut off the carving and wore it under her underskirts, all 5 of them. She also sneaked off to half a dozen other trees and removed other similar carvings, all in a different hand and dates.
After a week they were still cutting trees down and they were all getting fed up with it. Epsom of Epsom and Son of Epsom’s son spoke to Robin who was sitting near by smoothing the cock measuring device in an attempt to rid it of splinters. “Robin do you really think this is the right place to build our camp?” Robin was not pleased with this father and, Robin assumed, his son.
“I know this forest like the back of my hand Epsom of Epsom and Son of Epsom of Epsom’s Son and this spot is perfect, go back to work and while your at it shorten your fucking names.”
“We have run out of ye olde saw blades Robin and there are no more in ye olde hardware shoppe, but Robin there is a clearing on the other side of that hedge!”
They all went through to the other side of the hedge and Robin realised Ep of Ep and Son of Ep of Ep,s son were right, there was a four acre clearing. Robin put a foot on a log and his hands on his hips, threw his head back and laughed, ha ha ha, and as he ha ha’d he showed a brilliant set of white teeth. He slapped a thigh and ha ha ha’d again. “THERE my Merry men, our new site. It took you far too long to discover my cunning ruse! Thick or what!” He looked at his men and run for it, but he had to slow down so they could catch up and was spit roasted by all of them with Marion drawing like crazy on a massive cow hide to record the event which she called the “Nottingham Tapestry” which was copied by a Frog from Bayeux in France 372 years before this event when William of Conqueror nipped over and fucked us English up. “You wait till 1415 William of Conqueror.” King of Harold shouted. “The lads will see you in Agincourt you merde.” Then got something stuck in his eye.
When they had finished with him they ignored his pleas for them to come back, but instead they stuck his dildo up his ass and went to build the camp. A week later they all stood in a merry group looking at the massive frame work of their new home.
“This construction looks so natural as it blends in such an harmonious and stimulating manner with the forest as a backdrop to enhance its beauty which shows the world our advances in English architecture, design and innovation. It is amazingly intense and richly pleasing to the discerning eye. However, my dear Robin me thinks it will be a bit draughty unless we cover it?” Dim of Shit stood there with tears of joy pouring out of his eyes.
All the Merry men stood quietly trying to absorb Dim of Shit’s words and did not understand a word of it. Finally, a brain cell came to life in Robin’s nut and he slapped a thigh again.
“GOT IT LADS, GOT IT! We will cover it in cow hide my Merry men!”
“And where do you suppose we get that many cow hides from? It will take at least 100 hides to cover that! Look at the size of it!”
“Well that’s what he said how big it should be to house us all, didn’t you?” Robin looked at Bailey of Bridge who was playing with his wooden Meccano Set. “I may have overestimated my calculations somewhat Robin, but my expertise is in portable river crossing constructions and just waiting for steel to be invented, not single story camp style abodes to house thieves and robbers like us. Mind you dear colleges that construction is as strong as any I have designed before and it will take the stress of 200 hides let alone 100.”
“How many have you designed then Bailey of Bridge?” Bailey gave a full explanation in the language of engineering and as no one wanted to appear thick they just nodded and Bailey returned to worrying about his new fourteen inch boyfriend, who only had a three inch cock.
“Well we need 100 cows and there are enough around here, so my Merry Men off you go and see you all tomorrow.”
“TOMORROW! Fuck off it’s going to take all of us weeks to get that lot Robin.”
“Less two I am afraid. Little John and I will be busy bonding and drawing up a fund raising programme to help pay off the ransom demand to get our dear Richard the Lion Heart back as it appears he is shit at staying uncaptured.”
“Count me out as well,” said Marian, I’m fucked if I’m going to get my hands dirty slitting the throats of 100 cows and then hanging them to bleed out and then after that slitting their bellies open so they can be disemboweled and all their entrails falling all over my feet, suffering the foul smell of the guts and then stripping their hides off while…” Robin did not hear the rest of it, he was throwing up behind a tree.
Two months later they stood together in a long line holding one another’s cocks, apart from Marian who was cockless of course and was in the new abode planning the interior decoration and in particular her private area that she would need to welcome paying guests. One hundred black and white Guernsey cow hides now covered the structure and as they looked upon this magnificent abode they all heard a distinct, “CRRRAACK!”
Suddenly Robin and his very Merry men froze and stopped wanking one another as they watched in horror as a red squirrel climbed up onto the roof and after a few more “CRRRRAAAACKS,” the whole lot caved in. Bailey of Bridge legged it and was never seen again. Marion meanwhile thought her first guest had arrived early, but had forgotten she had Robin’s dildo stuck up her whatsit.
“Does anyone else think we should have cut the cows’ heads and legs off first?” Cleaver of Bastard asked.
Yet another two months went by, but now the whole structure was complete at last and Robin lead the way into officially open the new abode. They had cut the heads and legs off all the hides except one head on the roof at one end of the abode, a tail at the other and four legs, one on each corner. It looked like a case of over steroid use. He went to the centre of the room and put his gay hat on and the rest of them gave out a groan.
“Item one. Marion and I wish not to be disturbed tonight.”
“I have a headache and wish to be left alone. Randy of Cunt has offered to massage my pain away.”
“Item two. Little John and I wish not to be disturbed tonight.”
“Fucking hell! What now!?”
“I’m writing my new book.”
“What’s it called?”
“Magna and Carta.”
“That was done 200 years ago!”
“Was it? Fuck.”
“Those heaters you bought are crap Robin. How do we get heat from them?” Robin had bought four heaters from a passing travelling heating salesman and the Merry men were not at all happy. For a whole week they had sat round these things waiting for them to burst into flame as Robin was told would happen, but nothing did and the men were not so Merry. “Be patient my Merry men, it will not be long before someone discovers paraffin. Friar Fuck can you think of something?”
“IT’S TUCK, NOT FUCK YOU MORON!”
“Moron…? I have never heard that word before dear Friar, from whence doth it come?” Tuck knew Robin was a little limited in the IQ department and thicker than a flock of sheep and he could get away with anything, or so he thought.
“Moron is from the Greek word “Athens.” To be Athonian, as we scholars know, means God like, Highest of high, Top Dog, Well smart dude, Pope. There are so many words that describe you as a Moron my dear Robin.”
“Do you mean I am the same as the… POPE… Friar Fuck!? Opps sorry, Tuck. Oh my word!”
“Indeed I do Prince of all that is beyond sense and I am able to say one more word that precedes the grand title of Moron that describes you in all your authority, wisdom and influence upon our band of brothers.”
“Oh Friar what is that word I pray of you?”
“Fucking… From now on Robin you will always be known as a “Fucking Moron.”
“WAYHAY…! EVERYONE! I am a Fucking Moron! On your knees non morons. OH the honour doth maketh me humble!”
Tuck looked at Robin and should be enjoying the fact he had been taking the piss out of him, but he also knew he was being unfair, unkind and unpleasant. Robin with all his faults had the biggest heart in Nottinghamshire, he was dedicated to help the down trodden poor and raise money to get the true King of England back home otherwise that nasty Prince John would take the Throne and England would be in an even worse state. (We could do with him right now to be honest) Tuck was ashamed of himself and being a man of the cloth he should not have been so cruel to his leader.
“Robin I need to say something in private please.”
“Of course Friar. You lot outside!”
“But Robin it’s raining.”
“That’s why I’m not going out and you lot are, Dim of Shit.” He turned to Tuck.
“Robin I was unfair when I spoke of the fucking moron thing just now and I…” Robin smiled at the Friar and laid a hand upon his shoulder.
“Stop right there my good Friar. I know what you are going to say and you are very wise to warn me that being a Fucking Moron will go to my head and make it swell, but I promise you it will not make an iota of difference to me and I will remain the humble, handsome and modest Robin you have got to know and love.” Friar Tuck looked at this plank and shrugged his shoulders.
“Robin there is one more thing.”
“Please Friar, do tell.”
“All Friars have just been awarded a pay rise of 5% and an annual lump sum of eight gold pieces back dated to 1415.”
“Don’t push it Friar, I am a Fucking Moron remember so don’t try that crafty trick on me. So, how about 3% increase and 4 gold pieces back dated to 1416? Done?”
“Thank you young Prince. I am but a humble Friar and have been done by a Fucking Moron.”
Robin and some of the senior Merry Men were standing outside the abode reviewing their security. One man was always stuck up a tree as look out. According to the level of security he would fire arrows at the “message board” which was a 6 inch thick slice of oak tree trunk propped up on a stand painted scarlet thanks to Will’s lip stick. A green arrow indicated “all was well,” an amber arrow indicated a sighting, but “no imminent danger” and a red one for, “were fucked.” A sort of medieval traffic light system with no traffic.
Cross of Eyes was up the tree and they all heard the flight of the arrow as it came zigging in and slammed into the chest of a Merry man standing 20 feet away from the message board.
“Yeah Gods that’s the third time this week that’s happened and it’s only Monday. Get that fool out of there before I run out of Merry men. Anyway what colour is the arrow?”
“It’s a plain one Robin, just a message on a “arrow it” note. It says, “Cant see a thing, too many trees.” Robin was truly with anger and fired an arrow back, it entered Cross of Eye’s left ear and came out of the right one. Which was the first historical recording of the saying, “In one ear and out of the other.” He also had a Merry man who did not only know which eye to use, but deaf as well now. Still, Cross of Eyes had another use and would be stood in a corner of the abode and used as a coat hanger.
They continued discussing their security arrangements and were happy that they had everything covered and they were safe and secure. “I pity the man who tries to break our defences lads, he will be full of arrows long before………….”
They spun round and saw a beautiful young man standing behind them. Apart from being such a handsome 18 year oldish young man he appearance was rather strange as he stood there in a Nottingham Forest football team outfit.
“Where the fuck did you come from?”
“Through the back gate. Don’t suppose you have seen 100 Guernsey cows by any chance?” They all sneaked a look at the abode and realised the massive structure did look rather conspicuous.
“Only dead ones. Have you lost some then?” Asked Robin.
“Yeah, all our herd, our Father, who art in heaven, was really in anger when he went out to milk them a month ago and all he found was a heap of entrails and had a heart attack. My mother and 11 brothers are much distressed not to say very pissed off I can tell you.”
“ELEVEN BROTHERS? No wonder your father is in heaven, I’m surprised your mother is still here, as we are, on earth. What’s your name you handsome boy of gorgeousness?” Robin’s tight tights were already at full stretch.
“Number 6. They did not give us names as we came out too quick because mother had four sets of droplets and 4×3=12, well I think it does, but I ran out of fingers.” Number 6 looked at all the Merry men in turn and suddenly his and Will Scarlet’s eyes met and both fell in love in that instant. 100 cow bells rang out as Will and Number 6 locked eye balls. Robin saw the looks and muttered, “Fuck it.”
Will went to Number 6, took his hand and led him into the abode. He closed the cow hide flap and locked it.
They stood looking at one another not saying a word, but got closer together and gently kissed as they wrapped their arms around a body so slim and beautiful. Will looked at Number 6 and smiled broadly at him and Number 6 with the look of love all over his face pulled Will back to his mouth and they kissed once more only this time in the new French style, still very much in use to this day.
“Will, have you engaged in same sex sexual sexy sex, sexy?” It took Will a few minutes to work that out.
“I have partook I have to say, but until the very moment my eyes rested upon your crotch I never knew what love was. I am deeply in love with you Number 6 and I do pray you feel likewise?” Number Six (to give him his full name) did not reply and instead removed Will’s scarlet hat, scarlet silk shirt, scarlet silk trews, scarlet silk under things and scarlet foot coverings. Now naked Number 6 stood back and took in the whole beauty of this man standing before him. He looked at Will’s face and thought he had forgotten to remove something only to realise Will was in fact blushing. He looked down at Will’s private area and Will was understandably thinking, “Oh shit here we go again!” Number 6 pointed at Will’s genitals. “What’s THAT?” Will looked down and felt a wave of relief come over him. “Oh that! It’s only my modesty cover.” He reached behind and undid the thick thong and it dropped to the floor taking the pine needle with it. “Bloody hell Will! You are the dog’s bollocks!” If only, Will thought. “I DO love you Will.” And with that he took the scarlet Will in his hand and massaged the peanut and both boys looked on in wonder as Will’s cock got bigger and bigger and harder and harder until it poked out a full 7 inches. This was the first time in English recorded history that a boy, unknowingly, had been born with a telescopic cock. Will was beside himself and threw his arms around the neck of Number 6 and nearly choked him to death. Will began to strip Number 6. First to come off was the Nottingham Forest football cap followed by the Nottingham Forest football shirt with Number 6’s name on the back, “Number 6.” He went to his knees and with shaking hands pulled the Nottingham Forest football shorts down and exposed the brilliant white sports thong that Will could see held a monster within. He got hold of this strange under garment and yanked them down and a banana fell out. “Oh my God! You have deceived me Number 6!” And burst into tears. Number 6 smiled at Will and gave a shake of his hips and monster cock flopped out which he kept secured up his ass when not in use, all 14 inches of it. The monster swung out and hit Will in the face knocking him flat on his back. He scrambled up and took the whole thing deep into his throat and half way down his gullet while Number 6 looked on eating the banana.
There was a mad rush for Robin’s bed and once there they engaged in all sorts of same sex, sexy sex activity including the new style French kissing, holding their breath as they rimmed one another and, the new custom, sucking each other’s cocks. Number 6 smiled to himself as he thought of him and his brother Number 9 doing the same thing when Numbers 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 10 and 11 got out of bed leaving them alone every morning.
Will, for the first time in his life actually managed a complete penetration and after two strokes into the magnificent Number 6 a load equal to every Merry man and Marion cumming at the same time was delivered into Number 6 in one continuous flow. There was so much of it Number 6 thought Will was having a pee at the same time.
“Christ you took your time Will. My turn, bend over.” The abode would now be fully tested in structural strength as Will screamed out as the now 16 inches of thick cock rammed into his tiny bum hole and expanded it 10 fold as Number 6 thrust back and forth so fast it nearly set fire to Will’s rear end. After the clock candle had burnt off 10 minutes Number 6 yelled out:
“I’m coming…! Will…! I’m coming!”
“Thank fuck…! Number 6… Thank fuck…!” Will screamed out. Number 6 fired off so much of the stuff Will had to keep swallowing to keep it down. At long last they were at rest trying to get strength back, but there was a problem. Number 6 could not get Will off his dick, it had seized up inside him and the damned thing would just not go soft. After the clock candle had burnt out Number 6 told Will he would just go outside with Will stuck there. “No one will notice.” They opened the cow flap and a huge cheer went up. “See what you mean.”
Robin had no choice but to welcome Number 6 into his band of Merry men or loose Will and they could not do without their minstrel, even though some prick had voted him off Merry Men Have No Talent the week before. Number 6 would become the most popular Merry man of all and Will would get rich pimping him out. Robin recruited five more of the brothers, leaving the rest until they came of age, which meant for the next six months not a lot of robbing the rich and giving to the poor went on.
A number of Merry Men were spotted sneaking out to go to Number 6’s farm to check birth certificates and agree terms.
Robin and four of the other Merry men were in Nottingham cunningly disguised as women buying supplies from the market.
“I want all your potatoes.” Said Robin. “Yes Robin, that will be 5 Old Pence please.
“I want all your carrots.” Said Little John. “Yes Little John, that will be 5 Old Pence please.
“I want, 6 lambs, 3 pigs, 20 chickens, two goats and a Partridge in a pear tree.” Said Will. “Yes Will, that will be 50 Old Pence please “FIFTY Old Pence please!? Robbing bastard!”
“Shall we ask the Sheriff then? He is over there Will.” Will looked and went over to the Sheriff and asked him if HE would pay 50 Old Pence please for that lot. “NO dear lady as you know I would just take what I wanted, but for you, 30 Old Pence please should be enough.” The stall holder opened his mouth and found Little John’s fist in it. “Now now young ladies, no fighting on my streets, I am on the lookout for Hood and his thieves, don’t suppose you have come across them?” Robin smiled at the Sheriff and sidled up to him. “Sheriff may I say how even more handsome you look today? And if I were not already betrothed I would allow you to bed me. But to answer your question the other ladies and I have heard word that they are in town dressed as… ” Robin giggled. “Come on women, dressed as what?” Robin winked at the Sheriff. “Dressed as Norman soldiers. Look there are four over there!”
The Sheriff looked and within five minutes 10 Norman soldiers arrest 4 Norman soldiers and were taken back to the dungeons for questioning where they were subjected to the horrors of torture all too common in the days before the European Court of Human Rights came into force, but did not include gay saunas who’s members demonstrated for their rights of submission and humiliation. Torture in those middle ages included being bound and whipped, hot candle waxed, turned bum up and having to suffer anal insertions, forced to suck upon the guards cocks while they had a guard suck them and, the ultimate joyous humiliation, fucked! The dungeons were always full, mostly with volunteers.
“Thank you ladies you have done me a great service. Please be guests of mine at the castle tomorrow and bring all your lady friends, but not husbands. It’s my birthday and I want you to see my birthday treasures Prince John has promised me AND my dear ladies there will be a beheading to finish the evening off. Maid Marion will be executed for betraying me when she found out about the gold I have stored in my strong room, the cow! That’s one thing Robin Hood will never find out about now.” Robin thanked the fool Sheriff of Nottingham and they all went on their merry way, really unhappy. The evil Sheriff smiled as he watched them get into their cart and ride off making sure they did not break the speed limit. “You fool Robin of Sherwood, I will not only have you and Marion to behead tomorrow, I will have all the Merry Men as well! OH HAPPY DAYS!”
“Yes Dim of Shit?” They were sat around the unlit heaters and all with very unmerry faces on.
“Do you think the Sheriff was kidding us about the party at the castle and is just getting us all to go and capture us then execute us as well as Marion?”
“We fooled him Dim of Shit, we looked fantastic in Marion’s dresses and even I was fooled when I saw Will and even offered to bed him!”
“Why didn’t you then?” Asked Will.
“Bobby of G got to me first Will, sorry. Anyway Dim of Shit, why do you think the Sheriff thinks we are who we are?”
“One, all the stall holders knew who we were and two, our moustaches were a bit obvious don’t you think?” Robin fingered his moustache as he thought about what Dim of Shit had said.
“Marion’s is bigger than mine and she gets away with it, but it’s something to consider. What think you Friar?”
“I think you should all be called Dims of Shit, in fact Dim is less dimmer than all of you put together. NO lady has a moustache idiots.”
“What about Marion’s then?”
“I DID say Lady Robin?”
“Oh yeah, sorry. Anyway Tuck you tell us you are the best at coming up with solutions… so come up with one.” Tuck puffed his fat chest out and smiled at the Merry men who slumped down knowing they were in for an hours lecture before he got to the “solution.” Finally it arrived.
“Reverse psychology!” Tuck sat back and looked at all the blank faces and had to give another hour’s lecture.
“So you recon that if we all went in our Lincoln Greens it would fool the guards because all they would be thinking we are gay chums having a bit of fun as it’s the Sheriff’s birthday and all they would be looking for is women dressed as women?”
“NO you thick prick! They will be looking for MEN dressed as women, yea God’s!” Look Robin just concentrate on one thing, while the guards are doing sex checks you should have enough time to get all the treasures and gold pieces and get out of there before they behead Marion.”
“What you mean, leave her there?” Tuck looked at Robin in some confusion.
“Do you want to save her then Robin? Gosh, that was not part of my reverse psychology solution. Still, if that’s what you want, go for it and I will be here to help you value the goods when you all get back.”
Robin was not inclined to lose his temper that often, but he did now and one indication was when he stood up and drew his sword and because he did Will also drew his. Will knew this could get serious and he would always be with Robin. Robin was the finest archer in England by far, Will was the best swordsman and even more deadly when he had one in each hand. With these two and Little John with his massive oak staff, they formed their own “special force” which they called the Special Arbitration Service (SAS) and had fought many in greater numbers. Many Norman’s, gangsters and cut throats tried it on and all became very dead. They were stripped and anything of value was given to the poor. That was the real Robin and the men who followed him.
Robin held the point of his sword at Tuck’s throat. “Right FUCK of Tuck. We are going to get Marion out of there and when we free her and, IF it’s safe to rob the Sheriff we will, but NOT until we have Marion. Friar Tuck you will be with us and you will go to the scaffold to offer Marion her last rites and while giving them I will kill the executioner. Marion WILL be freed and I will give my own life to do it, do you understand?” Robin stood over the Friar and Tuck knew there and then this man would become a legend by the end of this sentence.
“Yes Robin, but if I could request that you try to miss me when you shoot your arrow?” Robin smiled at Tuck. “I will miss you with both of them Tuck. This “Fucking Moron”…. is not when it comes to looking after the people he loves and respects, I hope you will be one of those one day Friar.” Tuck learnt a lot that day.
Nobody had a clue that the last rites Friar Tuck was giving was in fact for the executioner and not Marion as he recited in Latin. He stumbled a few times as he knew that the distance between his back and the executioner was very narrow and Robin would have to aim well. He hoped he had got the timing right and Robin was ready to fire, he closed his eyes as he lent forward to kiss Marian’s cheek in a gesture of goodbye. “I kiss thee farewell Mari… ”
Whoosh… Thud… Whoosh… Thud. That was the sound Tuck heard as two arrows past six inches behind him. The executioner, if he had lived to witness it, would have been as surprised as the rest of the crowd as the arrows slammed into his body. Even before he could yell out, “OUCH!” Robin’s Merry men also fired and the courtyard was full of arrows and dying men as they hit their targets and to be followed up by the screaming Merry men as they advanced with flashing blades that made contact with many of the Sheriff’s men and they laid as they were slaughtered. All done by a small number of men who nobody would take as a joke anymore.
With 5 arrows stuck in his body and a rather sever case of decapitation the Sheriff of Nottingham became “the late Sheriff” and in that instant life improved for everyone. It also meant Robin and his men became rather redundant and turned to a more peaceful existence and grew vegetables and flowers instead. They would toil in the gardens for an hour each day then go to bed and make love for the other 23.
A year later Robin and Marian as well as all the Merry men stood in front of the abode waiting for the arrival of King Richard. Richard rode out of the forest with his army and 20 others nobody knew were coming. He looked resplendent in his full body armour riding a white charger with a lance in his right hand and the flag of England flying from it. Richard looked up at Robin’s flag. “I love the colours of the rainbow Robin.”
“Thank you Sire, it makes us all feel very gay and happy, it symbolises peace, love, fornication and 69ing.”
“69ing? What pray is that?”
“One of the acts of man on man sex my Lord.”
“All the other acts.”
“Oh right, so that’s what I have been doing. I must hand this down to all my subjects Robin and order certain Ale Houses to become meeting places for men who enjoy men. I think the Western area of London would be a good place to start.”
“Thank you Robin and all of your loyal men and of course you as well Marian. Without you I would not be a freeman and now I am, I will devote my life to England and bring about a better life for all.” They were all sitting on logs specially prepared for the occasion.
“It has taken so much time to raise the ransom, but we are all pleased to know the rightful King is once again here to rule over us. We just wish we could have got you back much sooner my Lord.” Robin said on behalf of them all.
“I am so sorry Robin, but I was having so much fun with my captors,” He nodded towards the 20 “extras.”
“And I feel rather guilty about demanding more ransom just to delay my release. But Robin, look at them and tell me you would not have done the same?” Robin looked at the 20 dead fucking gorgeous “captors” and bowed to his King, but only to hide his rising hardon.
“Robin, I cannot take them to London, could I pray that you and your merry men look after them for quite a while?” Robin thought for two seconds.
“On behalf of my men we will welcome them and make every effort to accommodate their every need… and ours.”
“Robin help me up, this armour weighs a ton.” Robin pulled Richard to his feet and split his tights at the same time. Twenty “captors” took note of this English cute bum. “Kneel before your King.” Robin knelt and the same twenty “captors” got twenty hardons. Thinking his King wanted a blow job Robin lent towards the hinged armoured flap protecting the royal cock but stopped when the sword blade touched both of his shoulders. “Arise Sir Robin of Loxley… Marian I would like a word.” He clanked away with Marian hanging on to him so he would not fall over.
“Yes my Lord?”
“If you were to marry Sir Robin, you would become Lady Marion of Loxley and that is my wish.” He leant over to Marian and whispered, “But don’t say anything about 1438 in the forest my Lady of Loxley.”
Marion lifted Richard’s cock flap.
“Oh my word, it was YOU!”
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