Three Tears
by David Heulfryn

 

Chapter Fourteen

When Martin woke, he sat up and noticed that James was also awake. James was anxious that everything would be alright between them after last night.

“Good morning, James,” Martin spoke.

James looked worried, “Are we going to be okay?”

Martin stood and went to James, “We are fine,” As Martin allayed his fears, James got out of bed, and they hugged.

“I’m going to arrange to meet Phil to talk.”

“Is there anything I can do?” James asked.

“No, thanks. I’ll let you know.”

Martin sent Phil a text. A phone conversation now might lead to Martin blurting out everything he needed to say, and he wanted to say it all to his face. It would be better that way, and they could be more honest.

“Can you meet me at the park by your house? 10oc?”

The short text message from Martin was quickly answered. “I’ll be there.”

 

Phil saw Martin walk from behind the high hedge that surrounded the park, through the gap and along the path that led to the swings, roundabout and slide. As he waited on the swings, Phil saw the occasional dog walker pass through, but no one stopped or talked to him. Phil was hunched over; his eyes would always connect with the same spot on the ground after each glance around the park to keep watch for Martin; every movement, each blink from his eyelids, was an effort as if Martin had yanked the life from him. It was still early, so they were alone for the moment. Phil was exhausted from last night. Despite Martin’s text message saying he was fine, he was still worried about him. The message said nothing about them and how Martin still felt about him. Yesterday, Martin bolted like he couldn’t stand to be around him anymore. Phil was sure that Martin now wanted nothing more to do with him.

Phil eagerly watched every step Martin took, afraid he would see him turn and disappear. But the walk seemed to take an age, and with each step Martin took, both boys became more nervous.

Martin sat on the next swing when he reached Phil. They looked out across the park to the far end, not each other.

“I’m very sorry about yesterday.” Martin almost whispered.

“What happened? What did I do?”

Martin had repeatedly gone over the conversation in his head as he lay in bed. He went through it again on the walk to the park, but it did not prepare him for speaking to Phil. The imaginary conversation was so much easier, and Phil understood and hardly said a word. It wasn’t until he met Phil again that he realised how much his actions hurt Phil. He was subdued and looked scared. On the occasions Martin looked into his eyes, he saw the residual puffiness left from a night of crying himself to sleep in confusion. It was then he realised that he was not only here to explain but to ask for forgiveness, which was the hardest part. Martin had been so wrapped up in his feelings that he didn’t realise just how hurt Phil seemed. Thinking back on his actions, he was horrified at how casually he disregarded Phil and hadn’t contacted him for nearly eight hours after he ran away, eight hours in which Phil’s mind was concocting all sorts of horrible and tragic events that could have befallen him.

“I’m so sorry.” He repeated, stalling for time.

Listening, it gradually dawned on Phil why Martin had reacted in such a way, the imagined relationship he had previously had with his brother and the imagined betrayal. Martin had only got a couple of sentences out before tears began to roll down his cheeks, although his voice remained steady.

The events from two years ago stayed with Phil, and he would often fondly look back at them. It was a time in his life after he had just sorted himself out, with help from his brother. His self-esteem was still low, and he was still coming to terms with himself, not just his sexuality but his personality and his past. It was a time when he needed reassurance and acceptance, and he had achieved that for those few moments each day with James. He grew from the experience, which gave him the confidence to go out in the world and do what he wanted, to express himself again; for that, he would never regret what happened.

It was a very emotional conversation, but both boys understood each other better at the end of the story. Phil told how the experience with his brother had affected him and also how he had never done anything like that before or since; at nineteen, he was still inexperienced and slightly afraid of sex.

They didn’t care who was around and who saw them when they pushed their swings together and hugged each other tightly. The dog walker at the far end of the park kept glancing over quizzically, wondering if he’d got it wrong as he thought it was two boys on the swings when he passed. The little girl playing with her older brother ignored them; having grown up with affection, it was nothing strange to her, but her twelve-year-old brother just stared. His mouth fell open when Phil pressed his lips to Martin’s, amazed that the rumours and playground banter about queers were not just an urban myth circulated to frighten and emotionally stunt boys as they grew up.

Martin tasted salty tears as Phil kissed him, and he vowed never to hurt him again. It was a vow made in the heat of the moment, later realising that sooner or later, one of them would hurt the other. However, they hoped that moment would never come and could stay like this forever.

From the corner of his eye, Phil noticed the young boy gawping at them. His lips curled into a smile, and he wondered how often he would tell his friends the story of seeing two boys kissing in the park. Breaking the kiss, he whispered to Martin, whose eyes strained to see him the boy.

Taking Martin by the hand, he pulled him from the swing and wrapped his arm around Martin’s. They slowly walked out of the park, each step eagerly watched by the young boy.

Martin and Phil now understood how each other had felt and had forgiven each other; although the emotions were still raw, it would take some time before they were back to where they were on Saturday afternoon.

“Would you like to meet James again?” Martin ventured.

If they were to stay together, they would inevitably meet each other’s families. Martin wanted their reunion to be over quickly.

 

Martin took James along to the ‘Lord Duncan’ on Wednesday evening. They were early and so sat together, drinking. The barman looked at James funny, so Martin thought buying him a Coke was safer than getting challenged about his age. When he put it in front of James, he looked disappointed and scowled at the barman now serving someone else.

James wouldn’t admit it, but he was slightly nervous and wondered what he would say to Phil. The more Martin thought about the meeting, the more he regretted it, his insecurities bubbling up with what if they hit it off again and wanted to rekindle whatever they had two years ago.

As Phil entered, Martin and James stood up as if for a formal introduction. As he came over, Phil said ‘Hi’ to Martin and then quickly kissed him on the lips. This was not only to indicate to Martin that everything was still okay between them but also for Phil to ensure Martin felt the same way. It immediately put Martin at ease, and he introduced James.

“Phil, this is James,” Martin smirked as they shook hands. “There’s no need to be so formal. Not after the way you first met.”

Both James and Phil smiled at each other, surprised that Martin felt comfortable enough to have a quick jibe at them.

It wasn’t as strained as any of them thought, as it wasn’t old lovers reunited after two years; it was just two friends meeting after some time. They reminisced about their few weeks together and joked about the other cast and crew members. Martin was pleased they were getting on, and there appeared to be no awkwardness between any of the three of them.

James told Phil he would be leaving in the next few days to start filming. He also mentioned his new friend Tom, whom he thought might get together. Martin was surprised at this and felt a pang of guilt that his own, so far, tumultuous, affair with Phil had overshadowed his brother’s emerging love.

The way James spoke of Tom made him sound too perfect: an unashamed great athlete, swimmer and diver, effervescent, sweet and kind. So far, they had only shared one kiss, but he felt that Tom would soon throw off his last inhibition so that they could explore their relationship. Since the kiss on Saturday, Tom has kept in touch almost daily, excited about when they will meet again. He wanted to meet before they left for the island, but as things had panned out, it was impossible. Their mothers were busy fussing around them, ensuring everything was ready for the weekend.

It was time to leave, or they would have to wait another hour for the last bus. James stood idly by as Phil and Martin said goodbye with a long, lingering, passionate kiss. James had never seen his brother so passionate and couldn’t demurely avert his gaze.

 

James’ Diary
Tomorrow we go. Mum packed everything for me and checked every hour to ensure my passport was where she put it. I’m looking forward to it, and I don’t think I’ll sleep much tonight.

We were given a luggage weight limit, a list of clothes we should take, and that our clothes shouldn’t display any logos. (We can’t provide free advertising, can we!) It all fit in one small suitcase. We cannot take any food or drink in our luggage, only essential toiletries, soap, shampoo, or razor. Also, we aren’t to take any money – I suppose they will pay for everything.

I’ve been speaking to Tom, and we both finally managed to get out of the house for an evening to meet. We also kissed again. Well, he kissed me, and then we couldn’t stop. I was so happy and had to tell Martin when I got home. He wants to meet Tom now, but I don’t think he will unless he comes with us to the airport. I’ve not told Tom about Martin; it’s just that we’ve not got around to talking about things like that yet. No doubt, when we are on the island, we will have plenty of time to speak, but I don’t know if we’ll ever get any privacy. I hope so, as I don’t think I can spend four weeks with him without being able to kiss him. I think I might be in love with him as I always feel this urge to be with him and always think of him when I’m not. Is that love? I don’t know. It may just still be an infatuation or even lust. Tom wants to keep things very low-key while we are on the island and doesn’t want all the others to know about us. I can’t blame him, and I don’t think I do, too; the others may not like it and make life hell. Besides, I don’t think two boys on an island, each running around with a hard-on after each other, would make good kid’s TV. Although I would watch it, millions wouldn’t.

Martin kissed and hugged me tonight. He’s lying in his bed now. We’ve talked a lot over the past few days, and tonight, he said he would miss me; I will miss him too. We’ve become a lot closer, not that we weren’t close before, but now we talk about everything and are not afraid to talk about our feelings, although we don’t do that with anyone else. We have decided not to tell Mum and Dad yet; we’re not quite ready to take that step. They have also been oblivious to the little drama that’s erupted over the past week, but I think Tony has wondered what’s been going off; he was easy to fob off.

I’m not going to take this diary with me tomorrow, just in case there is nowhere secure to keep it. Instead, I have a fresh book in my suitcase. I’ve been writing a diary for years and want to keep one on the island. I’ve asked Martin to look after this one for me, keep it safe. Although he’s never read it, he knows where it is. Tonight, I said I didn’t mind if he read it while I was away. He’s so sweet; he just said that he wouldn’t.

 

James was awakened by his mother barging into the room and shouting at him. He had stayed awake for most of the night, tossing and turning. The noise had initially kept Martin up, but after acclimatising, Martin drifted to sleep, albeit much later than usual. The last time James looked at the clock, it read 03:42. He must have drifted off later.

This morning, James was dog-tired and jumped into a cold shower to wake himself up. Once woken, he turned up the heat and enjoyed the hot water on his body. He thought it would probably be his last hot shower for a month, so he was going to make the most of it.

After banging on the bathroom door a lot, James emerged, and his mother got ready to take him to the airport. Everyone was up and frantically running about, either trying to get ready, wash, eat breakfast or load up the car. Last night, everyone wanted to come and see him off, so it would be a squeeze in the car.

As they drove to the airport, James was nervous and looked out the side window at the cars cruising by on the opposite side of the motorway. Tony was in the middle and babbling about how much fun it would be, what he imagined they would do, and what they would eat. He got it into his head that the teenagers would have to start foraging for their food. Nobody paid much attention to him; only their mother would say, ‘Is that right?’ or ‘I don’t think they’ll have to do that’.

Martin was also quiet. He wasn’t nervous like James, but it suddenly dawned on him that James wouldn’t be around to talk to. He would have no one say how his dates with Phil went and what they got up to.

Neither could let their mood fester when they parked in the multi-storey airport car park. It was as if their mother had taken some medication; she was talking fast, organising everyone so they all knew in which order to get into the car park lift. Someone would have said something, but they all knew it was her way of coping and not becoming too emotional as she lost a son for the summer.

They saw a high placard with the production company name on it as they made their way to the check-in desks. This was their meeting place.

Two women stood by the placard with ingratiating smiles on their faces. They introduced themselves, and one lady took James and his mother over to the check-in desk. The other woman stayed with the family and rambled to the others about how much fun James would have. Once James was checked in, they would take him to the departure lounge to meet the others, most of whom had already arrived.

“Hi, this is Tom.” Martin heard a woman’s voice behind him.

Turning around, Martin saw Tom standing with his mother. Unsure of whether or not to say something, Martin just kept quiet and let the woman from the production company ramble on and tell them to join ‘them over there’ she pointed.

With both boys checked in, they had to leave their families. Tom and his mother had a quick goodbye, and he waited with one of the women who would chaperone them for the rest of the day. They waited for James and watched as his mother wouldn’t let him go.

Squirming from her grasp, he gave his father and Tony a quick hug goodbye. Martin stood, tried to prevent his tears from welling up, and blinked them away. James then hugged him almost as tight as his mothers had hugged him.

“I’m really going to miss you.” He whispered in Martin’s ear.

“Me too.”

“Are you and Phil going to be alright?”

“Of course, don’t worry about us; I think we’re falling in love.”

James gave his mother one last hug goodbye and walked over to join Tom, standing with the chaperone, waiting to escort them to the departure lounge.

They followed the chaperone through the automatic doors, and as they closed, Martin saw Tom reach over to hold James’ hand; he felt a single tear escape and roll down his cheek.

 

Martin felt lonely in his bedroom without James. It will take some getting used to, he thought. Martin saw James’ diary resting on the pillow of his unmade bed. Stroking it, he thought about James and tucked it back in his place, out of sight.

Reaching for his mobile phone, he rang Phil.

“I love you.” He said when Phil answered.

 

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