Insecurities
by David Heulfryn

 

Max spent Sunday with James. I felt alone again. I called round to see if my best friend was in, but he wasn’t. I had no homework, and after deciding to give up my swimming club, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I missed swimming, so I decided to go to the pool.

That evening I went to bed early and waited for Max to come home. I sat up in bed, reading a book. Well, my eyes looked at the pages, but none of the words went in.

I started to cry.

I didn’t understand why I was feeling so emotional. Max had been with James for some time, and their relationship hadn’t affected me like this before. Perhaps it was last night. It was defiantly last night. James had literally come between us. He didn’t intend to, but I felt my relationship with Max had changed. I was no longer the most important person to him. I felt I was losing him.

Tears had fallen onto my open book, smudging the words and making them indecipherable. I placed the book on my bedside table and lay down. I turned to face the wall. I couldn’t be bothered to get up and turn the light off. I sniffed away my tears and heard the front door close. Max was back.

He didn’t come straight to bed. He stayed with our parents for half an hour. I wondered what was happening.

Max didn’t bound up the stairs like he usually did. His steps were soft and slow. He opened our bedroom door and looked over at me.

“Min?” He spoke softly, “Are you okay? Mum and Dad said you seemed off.” I felt my mattress dip as he sat on my bed. “Is it James? Nothing’s changed.”

“It’s me.” I sniffed. “I’m being selfish. I’m ashamed that I feel this way.” I told him.

“Don’t be ashamed of your feelings.” Max rested his hand on my bare shoulder. “But we can work through this and discover why you feel this way.”

“It’s because I’m a baby.” I sniffed, “I’m a little kid who can’t cope. I bet you don’t look up to me now.” I cried.

“Look at me, Min.”

I turned and lay on my back. Max saw my puffy eyes and gently wiped away my tears.

“I love you so much, Min. And I do still look up to you. You have helped me more than you could ever know.” A slight smile appeared on my lips. Max held my cheek. “I love you, Min.”

“I love you too, Max. I feel James is more important to you, and I am being pushed out.”

“I understand, Min. I really do. And I think James staying last night was a bad idea, especially if it makes you feel this bad. In fact, Mum told me I need to make it up to you. She’s worried about you. I’m worried about you. James is worried about you. I’m sure Dad is worried about you. Not that he’ll admit it. He never admits his feelings.” Max smiled at me.

I couldn’t help it. I smiled back. “I’ll get over it. It’s just that so many things are changing. I didn’t realise until today how much I missed swimming. Dad’s got a new job, you’ve got a new boyfriend, and it feels like everything is changing. I tried to see my best mate, and he wasn’t home.”

“You could’ve come to see me and James. We weren’t doing anything special. We were bored most of the day as his little brother was around.”

“So you couldn’t get up to anything.” I teased.

“Exactly.” Max smiled. “We just played on the games console. No matter how much I play, I’m still crap. They both beat me at all the games.”

“They’ve just had more practice,” I told him.

Max told me he’d better get ready for bed, and I watched as he stripped naked. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. I could hear him vigorously brushing and the faint scent of mint. When he returned, he turned off the light and got into bed.

“That’s better, isn’t it? Just the two of us.” Max said. “I liked sleeping with James, but he’s bigger than you, and we had no room.”

I got out of my bed and went over to Max. We looked at each other, and he pulled back his duvet. I got in and let Max spoon me. I felt instantly content. His arms held me and our bodies as close as they could be. I felt Max kiss my neck.

“Tell me what’s bothering you. Really bothering you.” Max said.

“Since giving up swimming, I’ve had more time. I filled my day with after-school clubs, sports clubs and such that I had no time to think about anything. Now I’ve got time to think, I have space, and I don’t know who I am. I couldn’t rely on my best mate to be around because I was always busy on a Sunday with swim club. I think I need to make it up to him as I don’t think I’ve been a good friend to him.”

Max squeezed me tight. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You need to concentrate on what you want and not what others expect of you. Why don’t you take some time out to work things out? I know you enjoy gymnastics, but how important is it to you? Are you pushing yourself too hard?”

I sighed, thinking about what Max had said.

“What do you want to do? What are your aspirations? Do you want to go to university? What interests you?” Max carried on.

“I don’t know,” I said flatly.

“Well, let’s start to find out. Do you still feel gay?” Max asked.

“That’s the one thing I am sure about.”

“And no one at school is giving you grief about it?”

“Absolutely not. All my mates are fine about it. I feel like everyone treats me like a little kid. I’m nearly fourteen, and it’s only because I’m shorter than everyone else and less developed. No one asks what I want. They just tell me what I want.”

Max rested his head on my shoulder. “Don’t be in a rush to grow up, Min. But I hope I don’t treat you like a little kid.”

“No. You are the only one that doesn’t, and it is in these moments I feel I can truly be myself and not what others want me to be. But that scares me as I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“You are the best brother anyone could have. You are caring, sensitive, and wise beyond your ‘only just’ thirteen years. Who else could have helped me get through everything? Your support means so much to me, and talking to you has made things so much better. You are one of a kind, Min.”

“Thanks, Max. I think I’ve been too worried about getting a boyfriend than keeping my friends. I’m going to start looking after my friends. Start being a better friend. And I will start in the morning when I get to school.”

“That sounds good.” Max squeezed me tight again. “Is there anything I can do to help? I don’t mind not seeing James so much to help. I can stop talking about him so much.”

Just talking about James made Max’s cock thicken. I could feel it pushing against my arse. “I like it when you talk about James. I like how he makes you feel and how when you talk about him, your cock responds.”

“Sorry.” Max apologised.

“Don’t be. I like feeling it. I loved it when spunked between my arse cheeks.” I giggled.

“Min?” Max sounded serious. “Are you attracted to me? Like you would a boyfriend?”

“No, nothing like that. I don’t want to do anything sexual with you. I just like how honest we can be with each other. You can be open enough to ejaculate with me in your bed while thinking of your boyfriend. And I can feel open enough to tell you how empty I feel. I can’t talk to Mum and Dad. They don’t really listen to me.”

“You have your gymnastics club tomorrow evening, don’t you?” Max asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you want to go? Or do you want to come with me? We could go round to James’ and play games, his brother will be there. Or we could just hang out together. It’s up to you. I don’t mind.”

“Okay,” I smiled and cheered up, “I’ll go with you to see James. But I don’t want to feel a spare part.”

“I promise you won’t,” Max reassured me.

Tomorrow would be the first time I missed gymnastics unless I was sick. I felt like a great weight had been lifted off me. It had become so consuming that I just did it because I had always done it. I wondered if it was something I was dedicated to or just something I did because Mum took me to the club five years ago because they ran a kids club in the summer holidays. It was time for me to take control of my life.

“Max? Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“I’m hard.” I giggled.

“Don’t you fucking dare spunk in my bed.”

I reached down to hold my cock. I shuddered after stroking it a couple of times.

“You better not have just cum.” Max said.

“Not yet.” I teased and got out of Max’s bed. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

In the bathroom, I looked at my naked body in front of the mirror. My four-inch cock stood proud from my small bush. It looked thicker than before. I grabbed it and squeezed the short shaft. I shuddered again. It felt good to touch myself. My balls looked bigger, and I noticed one long hair on my scrotum. I pulled it, and it came out. I held it up to my eyes and saw it was about an inch long. I released it and let it float into the sink. I ran my hand through my pubes. I grabbed one and pulled the curly hair straight. It was longer than I thought.

I tugged, but it remained firm. I then ran my hand down my chest. There was no sign of any hair, not even around my nipples. I raised my arm and looked at the wispy hairs. They weren’t as dark as my pubes, but these hairs were younger. From a distance, it would have looked like I didn’t have any hair in my armpits, but up close, they were there. I grabbed one and pulled. It didn’t come free. I ran my fingers through the hairs. It didn’t tickle. It made my cock twitch. I may be short and thirteen, but I was growing up. For the first time, I felt like a sexual being, not just a teenager spunking a load for some quick release.

My hand returned to my hard cock. I watched my foreskin unfurl as I pulled it back, and the moist, red knob emerged. With my other hand, I touched my exposed knob. I shuddered again. It felt so sensitive. I rubbed my finger over it again, going further around and touching the underside. I shuddered again and felt like I was about to cum. My knob had dried, so I licked my finger and rubbed the fresh moisture over it.

My balls started to ache, and I held them in my palm. I gripped and tugged them. My cock lurched. I held my cock between two fingers and my thumb. I slowly stroked and squeezed my balls at the same time. I was hunched over as I slowly wanked. I glanced in the mirror and could see the ridges of my curved spine protruding from my back.

I kept up my slow strokes. It felt so much better than a quick release. But I knew I wouldn’t last much longer, and I anticipated the moment when I could cum. My aching balls felt tender, and my cock throbbed between my fingers. My cum shot out with a force I hadn’t felt before. My cum landed on the wall instead of the floor. It ran down like wet paint. Once I caught my breath, I grabbed some toilet tissue and wiped my cum from the wall and then the dribbles that had landed on the floor.

I flushed the cummy tissues down the toilet and left the bathroom to be confronted by my mother coming up the stairs. She squealed as she saw my naked body.

“I just had to use the bathroom.” I calmly explained. “Night, Mum.” I went back into the bedroom.

“So Mum got another look, I hear.” Max stifled a laugh as I got into my bed. “What are you doing?”

“Getting back to bed.”

“I thought you were sleeping with me tonight. I was looking forward to it.” Max said.

I got out of bed and re-joined Max.

“You’re cold,” Max said as he snuggled against me, warming me up again.

“I love you, Min.”

“I love you, Max.”

 

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