The Infamous Five on Kipper Island
by Tom

And now for something completely different – I hope you will read this short introduction, since if you are not familiar with the original stories the ensuing pastiche may sound like gibberish – although it could well do that anyway!

Since the 1950’s, probably millions of English boys have read the Famous Five or Secret Seven series of children’s adventures, from which at least three television series have been spawned. Basically, the stories revolve around privileged, middle class, asexual children who have highly improbable holiday adventures with the obligatory happy ending. It might even be worth seeking out a sample of an original story to put this decidedly irreverent adaptation into context, to which I will but add, if only this  had been around when I was reading the original stories!

Naturally all the usual caveats and dire health warnings apply, so you read this at your peril and should be aware that no representation of any person, animal, cadaver, mineral or vegetable, including the large beta vulgaris rubra is intended. However, should you recognise yourself at some point in the narrative, perchance in relation to a particularly unwholesome actus reus or in conjunction with any of the aforementioned just think yourself very, very lucky to be included!

Finally, as ever, all comments, ideas, suggestions, good bad or indifferent are always welcome – my apologies in advance for any typo’s you may spot. Enjoy.

tom
amias09@fastmail.fm

 

The Infamous Five on Kipper Island
Chapter 4: A secret back passage

“I say Julian,” Dick’s muffled voice came from somewhere deep inside the giant sleeping bag, “can we have another go at making my willy squirt before we get up?”

“No! Do it yourself! It’s too early, it’s not even six o’clock!” grunted Julian, who’s own willy was badly in need of some recuperation after the dissolute late night triple wankathon.

“Yeah, he’s right ‘cause it won’t work at all if you keeps at it!” added Perverted Semen Ned the famed cabin boy molester from the crusty folds of the semen impregnated sleeping bag. “Go back to sleep!”

And, that’s just what they did, with Ned having an almost sticky vision of a large Brass Bound Buggery Box

It was sometime after ten in the morning when Dick awoke to the sensation of his dick being orally assailed by Ned who, in turn was being anally assailed by some four-ish inches of Julian. The previous evening had proved to be thoroughly exhausting and all the more so for Ned, who amongst other things had given an extremely comprehensive cocks-on lecture covering the fundamentals of buggery for beginner’s.

Both Dick and Julian had certainly excelled as pupils with very willing sphincters although, both really lacking the central requirement of a bigger willy, however they made up for that with sheer leporid like enthusiasm! Ned though, whilst welcoming his bottom being frequently intruded upon by the brothers for their practice, had so far managed to contain his own desires and refrain from being an actual sodomist For, as he told himself the brothers time would soon come and so would he!

The morning debauchery over, the boys slowly emerged from their tent to see that the girls and Pooper were not yet in evidence. However, making as much as a commotion as they could by way of preparing breakfast it was not long before Pooper shot out of the tent and headed for the bushes.

“Well don’t go walking over there without looking!” Ned laughed. “Now Julian, we’ll need that compass thing, so you got it handy?”

“In my bag.”

“And the instructions or wotever it were that Uncle Quentin told you?”

“Of course,” Julian sighed, “and, we must take our torches just in case we need to go in a cave or something.”

“Right. Oh look, there is life!”

Dick was pointing to the girl’s tent where George was just emerging and it has to be said, looking absolutely terrible as did Anne who followed behind, both appearing to walk with some difficulty.

“Had a good night?” asked Ned, unable to resist rubbing his perennially bulging shorts.

“Oh golly yes.”

Anne nodded very enthusiastically, amongst other delights she had been more than impressed with George’s torch-lit demonstration of simultaneously utilising a pair of ribbed handle hairbrushes even if it were well past two in the morning. Not that Anne knew the word, but she was an enthusiastic, budding nymphomaniac and all too easily influenced by George who was rapidly heading towards becoming a fully-fledged he\she transgender deviant.

However, even for these grossly over-sexed semi-adolescents there was a limit to the amount of sexual activity and there was an unspoken consensus, that breakfast was one of those times. Once they were all fed and watered Julian began to plan the day which was, he hoped to culminate with the discovery of the treasure, if indeed it existed or had ever existed. Since he was the only one who could properly use a compass, he was wearing his imaginary “I’m in charge” pirate tricorn hat and decreed that they should all follow him to the ruined building and start the search from there.

“George… George watch out!” cried Dick as Julian strode off through the bushes.

“Oh no!” George looked down at his\her transgender shoe. “Oh! Poo! Pooper!”

“Well you brought him!” Ned grinned and adjusted his glasses, the streaks of dried semen on the lens causing some visibility problems.

Anne squeezed her legs tightly and thought. “But, I do like watching him squirt!”

“Oh shut up and hurry up, I hope you didn’t forget to bring your torch,” said Julian, “now, we need to get to the north wall of the ruin so come on and hurry up.”

Setting off in single file like an expedition through the darkest jungle, Dick was the last in the line as he wanted some discrete opportunities to put his hand down his shorts, being sans underwear he needed time to placate his sore erection. Arriving at the ruin they saw the north wall was probably the most overgrown part of the ruin, they stood there looking idly around awaiting Leader Julian’s next directive.

“I don’t think we’ve ever really explored this part of the island properly before have we?” said Dick looking at the thick undergrowth ahead. “Gosh, I don’t fancy walking through that.”

“Don’t be a wimp!” Julian consulted his piece of paper and looked closely at the compass giving an impression that he actually knew what he was doing, he didn’t really. “Now, so now according to this, we have to go a hundred north.”

“A hundred wot?” asked Ned adding very wittily. “Bananas?”

Dick giggled, actually he would giggle at anything.

“Don’t be silly!” replied Julian. “Uncle Quentin thinks it’s a hundred paces, as those pirates wouldn’t have had a accurate tape measure with them would they?”

“They might have.” transgender George glanced longingly at Anne’s frock, knowing she was knicker-less beneath.

“Well I’d say they’d need a theodolite and some trigonometry with all these bushes!” suggested Dick, as only a middle class lower school oik of a public schoolboy would.

“Wot?” Ned was lost, he looked at Dick’s shorts, it appeared he was playing with himself again through the pocket, he sidled over. “You wanking again?”

“Wish I could!”

“I’ll do it for you.” said Sticky Semen Second Class Ned. “Keep close.”

“So,” said Julian in a loud, authoritative voice holding the compass in front, “so start counting as we need to do one hundred paces in a northerly direction.”

“You lead we’ll follow.” said George, carefully looking where to place his\her feet.

Battling through the bushes was far from easy, especially when trying to head in a specific direction especially with all four counting out loud as they did so, well three really as Ned didn’t get much further than twenty-eight and a half.

“Well let’s say that’s ninety something steps.” said Julian bringing the party to a halt on being faced with a huge outcrop of rock several feet high. “I think this is right.”

“Yeah, well we can’t go no further anyhow,” said Ned astutely, “so this must be it, so which way we go now?”

“Ah…” Julian theatrically consulted his piece of paper, “it says here it’s, it’s sixty paces east and then north again for seventy paces.”

“Wot’s that mean left or right?” asked Hopeless Semen Ned.

“Crumbs! You really don’t know anything… especially… about navigation do you!” declared Julian very, very unkindly. What a little precocious bitch he really was.

“No!”

Ned stared at Julian as though he were about to commit a heinous deed of some sort, even knowing he was pretty thick he still didn’t need to be admonished by such a little know-it-all, middle class twatt. He determined to himself that the time before Julian’s cute little sphincter were to be split asunder was approaching fast!

“Oh… uuummm…. ooh…” Julian blushed, looked around and appeared very contrite, well aware of what he had said, “sorry Ned I… I didn’t…”

“I say, what did you just say Julian?” interrupted Anne.

“Oh nuffin… he were just joking and ‘cause,” Ned smiled at Julian, “cause he’s gonna repay me soon with a gert big favour that’s all, ain’t you Julian?”

Now Dick joined in having finally got the gist of what was being said. “So then Ned, did you really mean you want to do to Julian’s bum like we joked about last night?”

“Arrr, oh arrr, I do that,” Pervert Ned smiled, “I’m gonna splice his main brace!”

“Golly, would you do mine as well?”

“With pleasure young Sir!” whispered Ned. “But you’d better see how Julian gets on with being spliced first!”

By now Julian was looking pale as he led off to the left knowing that his bottom was on the line. Having all joked about splicing various things the previous evening in the communal sleeping bag and now with his cruel comment about Ned’s lack of intellect he had only himself to blame.

“Is there much more of this ghastly bushy stuff?” asked Anne. “My legs are getting jolly well scratched to pieces.”

“Well I’m not wearing a frock, but I’ve got shorts on and I’m putting up with it!” said Julian, who’s thoughts of Ned’s large cock being lodged between his pert buttocks were also lodged firmly in the forefront of his mind.

“Yes but, but some twangy bits are going up inside and…  ooh that hurt!” added Anne guessing that George would soon jump in with both his\her transgender feet.

“Oh look Anne! Why don’t,” George grabbed the invitation, “you lot carry on and I’ll just check that Anne’s alright.”

“Girls!” said Dick naively raising his eyebrows as he walked off.

Ned of course knew a lot better, waiting for the girls to be out of sight and for Julian to forge on ahead he grabbed Dick’s arm. “If you walks just in front of me, I can check your bum still got a hole in it as we go!”

“Yes, rather, yes please!”

Dick nodded excitedly and stood just in front of Ned who immediately pushed his hand down the back of the shorts and inserted a finger, in turn Dick reached back and grasped Ned’s erection through the shorts.

“Now walk on!” said Ned, “We’ll swop over soon and see who can get the other to cum!”

Giggling, close coupled, they shambled on through the bushes following in Julian’s trail blazing footsteps, they found him waiting at the next junction studying the map.

“We turn north now for seventy paces,” Julian looked around, “now, where have the girls gawn?”

“Give you one guess!” said Ned.

“Goodness, can’t they leave each other alone for just a few minutes!” said Julian unaware that the habit of his short middle class lifetime of playing with himself through his pocket had already kicked in. “I want to get on.”

“But you are on ain’t you?” Ned mischievously reached over and squeezed what was obviously causing the tiny lump in the shorts. “If they girls weren’t following, I’d say stick it up me right now!”

“Oh golly!” Julian had been suddenly struck by a fit of conscience, maybe Ned wasn’t so upset with him after all and he started to mumble. “Ned… look… umm  look even though I said that about splicing and things last night and now… now about your… your… your navigation… I, well I didn’t mean it… I, I uumm… ohh..”

Able Semen Ned smiled. “I knows that and that you can’t help being a little public school twatt neither, ‘cause that’s how you been brought up innit!”

“Oh!” Julian flushed, he was indeed a prize public school twatt and he knew it!

“Anyhow, you’ve squirted up my bum quite a few times now, so I thinks it’s only fair I give you a length,” Ned rubbed the front of his already bulging shorts, “I’ll be very gentle and if you wants, you gotta just say so and we’ll stop.”

“But I do want it!” exclaimed Julian. “I do, I really do… we’ll do it tonight then.”

“That’s wot I wanna hear,” Ned grinned, it seemed Julian was like a flaccid willy in the palm of his sticky hand, “and I thinks I can also hear them girls is catching up.”

Indeed they were, accompanied by Pooper with Anne looking very red in the face and George still licking his\her fingers they appeared in view, at which point Julian set off again. “Come hurry up you two, we’re going north now for seventy paces.”

“Never been up this bit of the island before have you Ned?” asked Dick.

Ned shook his head, looking about he saw the bushes were thinning and an area with spiky grass lay ahead with what appeared to be the sea over a cliff edge.

“Nearly there,” said Julian, “that’s fifty-five paces and we’re nearly at the cliff edge.”

“Oh,” said George peering over, “look it’s not a cliff, looks more like a very steep rocky escarpment down to that very small beach.”

“Arrr, I thought that,” Pirate Ned put an emphasis on all syllables nautical, “avast me shipmates before you falls over the cliff, ‘tis that secret beach that me olde granny talks about. Oh Lordy, Lordy arrr etc.”

“There is no cliff!” confirmed Dick. “But it’s a jolly steep climb down to the beach.”

“I say, I really think that would bring us to the seventy paces when we get down there.” said Julian. “Then we have to go west for thirty paces and…”

“Not to too much information at once young Master Julian,” said Ned, “‘cause I can’t take it all in… remember?”

“Uumm…” Julian flushed, his barbs were evident not forgotten.

“Well be careful, Pooper’s just pooped again.” Dick sidestepped the latest deposit.

Since it was a very steep rocky climb down it took a few minutes, but eventually they were all safely on the beach where Pooper did a massive wee to celebrate.

“Right, now,” Julian consulted his cue sheet, “we go west for thirty paces and then… and then apparently we go south for about twenty and that will bring us up to… to…”

“To, to wot?” asked Pirate Ned hopefully. “To the treasure? Arrr. Course, that be it.”

“I hope so,” said Julian excitedly, “well come on then, thirty paces this way and then south for twenty.”

“Golly gosh, I say this is an absolutely top hole adventure! It’s just so, so jolly exciting, do you think there will be a huge chest full of golden things?” gushed Dick.

“Top hole?” said Ned looking puzzled. “Never heard it called that before!”

“This treasure trail thing really is quite spiffing isn’t it.” said Julian. “I mean, really, really rather whizzo sooper exciting stuff and all that, I wonder what we’ll find.”

“I’m hoping there’s a gert gold dildo!” said Ned dreamily. “And…”

“A gert gold dildo?” interrupted Anne. “But what is a dildo? I’ve heard that word before, I overheard two fourth form girls talking about making one!”

“Yes, so what is a gert gold dildo, what does it do?” asked George excitedly.

“Crickey! A gert gold dildo! Wow! Golly that sounds pretty jolly exciting, but what does one do with one?” echoed Dick, equally having no idea what it was. “Crumbs, what a spiffing adventure this has turned out to be. Really, a gert golden dildo!”

“And, be worth its weight in gold.” added Ned sagely, now realising he had certainly started something and was a subject well worth elaborating upon.

“I believe,” said Julian, having looked up such risqué words in his dictionary by torchlight under the blankets in the dormitory whilst slowly pleasuring himself, “that it’s a universal transgender implement with a plethora of pleasurable uses for careful  insertion in either front or back bottoms.”

“Like a sorta gert posh carrot then?”

Ned was fondly thinking of his first encounter with said vegetable as introduced by his older cousin trainee market gardener Beetroot Bert who had very thoughtfully brought along a whole bunch of them in assorted sizes to try in the potting shed.

“Gosh! A posh golden carrot!” Dick was more than intrigued. “I’d never have thought of that, so Ned have you… I mean, well… well… you know..”

“Even an ordinary carrot!” said George to his\herself who was already using one.

“Oh arrr, many, many times, but not a gold one.” responded Young Vegetarian Ned, “Carrots is cheap, very filling, comes in all sizes and you can eat ’em for tea after!”

“But you’d have to give them a jolly good wash before and after insertion I suppose, wouldn’t you?” said Dick thoughtfully.

“Arrr. Better though to wash especially if you’re having ’em for tea!”

George nodded in agreement.

“Now quiet, quiet!” Expedition Leader Julian interrupted all talk of said vegetarian option. “Now here we are, right on the final part of the treasure trail, because in about twenty paces time we should find the spot where it’s supposed to be hidden.”

Ned looked up, quite convinced he saw a large pink pig fly by to exit stage left, he said to himself. “Golden dildo my arse! Right now I’d settle for a gert big carrot!”

“So then clever clogs,” said George first looking at the rocky cliff and then to Julian, “so where is it then?”

“Well I haven’t jolly well looked yet have I?” retorted Julian. “Come on, let’s all see if we can find something that will lead us to it.”

Pooper obviously understood as he began to dig a large hole in the sand, sat in it and promptly went to sleep. Meanwhile, the intrepid explorers were scouring the beach area and rocky cliff face with, it appeared little success, that was until…

“Look, look,” shrieked Anne staring at the rock face, “I’ve found a crack!”

“Yours? You had to look for it!” said Pirate Ned. “Wanna find mine?”

Dick giggled and squeezed his shorts.

“Where, where,” the word crack caused George to immediately come rushing over to look, where he\she whispered, “Anne don’t forget you must not sit down on the beach, you’ve got no knickers on and you’ll get sand sticking to your bits!”

“Golly that seaweed does look rather nasty! Good job you reminded me!”

“I say! I think she’s right, well done old girl!” said Julian looking at the overgrown fissure in the rocks. “This rather looks like it could be it. Now we just need to clear all this bushy stuff out of the way so we can have a jolly good look.”

They set too with great gusto, a pair of secateurs would have been better, but of secateurs there were none. Nevertheless, a few minutes’ worth of clawing and the concerted efforts of the young and eager hands ensured destruction of the majority of the vegetation which soon lay scattered on the ground. A rough-hewn passage some two feet wide had been exposed in the rock face along with what appeared to be a well-established path leading inside.

“Do you think there are creepy crawlies in there?” asked Anne peering into the void. “I don’t like creepy crawlies.”

“Safer than crawling creeps!” Bosun Pirate Ned looked into the darkness. “Well come on then, we got torches, let’s use ’em!”

“Oooh!” exclaimed Dick as Ned squeezed his bottom and pushed him through the opening. “Why am I going first?”

“Somebody has to!” said Julian. “Come on hurry up, you’ve got Ned right behind you and I’ve got him in front.”

“I know.” said Dick after a dozen or so arousing paces with a hand thrust between his legs. “Oh look, it as though it’s opening out into a cave or something.”

“Funny smell in here.” said George. “It’s sort of smoky rather like somebody has been burning fish or something nautical or something.”

“You don’t think they’re still here do you?” Anne looked around in panic.

“Who’s they?” asked Deadeye Dick looking around in the semi-darkness.

“They’d be about two hundred years old if they was!” replied Knowledgeable Ned.

“Wot?” Dick was again lost, it didn’t take much.

More by design than accident Julian then managed to push himself right up against Ned, where by an amazing coincidence a hand managed to reach right between his legs and grasp the front of his shorts.

“Hhmm… if,” whispered Ned turning round, “we gets the chance you could have me in a dark corner, can you cum quick?”

“I’m not far off cumming now!” replied Julian, delighted that Ned appeared to have reverted to normal Ned. “But let’s look around first.”

The passageway opened out into what appeared to be a large cavern, it was quite dry and clean with the remains of some strange looking wooden structures going from floor to ceiling against one wall.

George shone his\her torch on it. “Oh no! That’s awful… it looks there some dead bats or something hanging down on the top bit!”

“Oh yuk!” agreed Anne.

“Heavens! What is that huge thing then?” asked Dick rummaging around in the semi-darkness. “Oh golly! What’s this, it nearly tripped me up!”

“It’s a bit wood!” Ned laughed.

“No, no… look it’s got something written on it.” Dick held up a plank about two feet long and shone his torch on it. “What does it say?”

Julian being the brains of the outfit moved over to inspect it, then he started to laugh. “It says in ye olde copperplate script “Ye Olde Devon Herring Smokery” and look it’s even dated 1827.”

“The ye what?” chorused the others in unison, if not together.

Julian was still laughing. “Don’t you see, smoked herrings are what we call kippers, this must be why it’s called Kipper Island and they made them here!”

“How did they make them?” asked Anne. “Do they grow? The soils not very good is it?”

“So this must be an old Victorian kipper factory.” said Dick, who was at times surprisingly knowledgeable, besides history was his best subject. He pointed to the wooden racks. “Cripes, so those aren’t dead bats, they’re old kippers?”

“But why would they want to put a kipper factory on an island?” said George. “There must be a reason.”

“Ah…” Anne thought for a moment and then gave up, it was too difficult a question. “Where’s Pooper gawn?”

“He was here a minute ago.” said George.

“Hope he doesn’t poo on the floor, we’ll never see it in the dark!” said Dick.

“Stuff the kippers!” said Ned assertively. “So, where’s the bleeding treasure!”

“He’s right,” said Dick, “where is the treasure? Let’s all have a jolly good look around for it right now, now that we’ve got here.”

“Good idea. But watch out for Pooper’s poo!” said Julian. “George you go over with Anne to that far corner and search, we’ll have a look around here.”

Naturally such a suggestion could only lead to one thing, as indeed had been the intended outcome and in the darkness several pairs of hands soon found their destinations. Within some five minutes of concerted groping the sexual temperature had peaked and then begun to subside, as did other things.

Attention was once again being directed to finding the mythical treasure.

“Look, look!” cried Julian shining his torch. “There’s a passage or something going orff here to the left!”

“Wizard! Oh gosh! Oh how exciting!” said Dick. “But I’m not going first this time!”

“Arrr, well then I’ll go.” said Pirate Ned. “Follow I.”

And they did. In fact they followed each other for quite a few yards, almost thirty in fact, although in the dark it felt much, much further.

“I wonder if this was all full of kippers?” asked Anne. “Smells like it!”

Dick sighed, how stupid could girls get, who would actually want to fill an entire passageway with kippers, let alone put a kipper factory on the island!

“Do you think big ships landed here to buy the kippers then?” continued Anne.

“Anne, what you mean is, would large vessels dock here and send a tender over for the kippers.” said Julian pompously. “Don’t you know anything about the sea?”

“No I do not,” said Anne firmly, “and why would I, with all you sailor boys about.”

“I likes boys, but not sailing.” added Ned.

“Oh Julian, don’t be so beastly to her.” said George.

“Well I think there must have been something else here to attract all the ships,” said Dick very perceptively, “I mean, gosh, who’d want a ship full of stinky old kippers?”

“Arrr, perchance,” said Sticky Semen Ned very mysteriously, “there’s a secret at the end of this passage which is why they ships did come here. Avast, me rowlocks etc.”

“I say Ned, you could be right. What? So you think the kipper shop is just a nautical front for some other clandestine activity!” exclaimed Julian in his top secret voice. “Oh gosh, this is just so, so exciting!”

“Clan wot?” said Ned.

“Ah…” Julian suddenly thought better of correcting him.

Transgender George stroked his\her moustache and awoke from his\her transgender daydream of fondling Anne’s girly bits. “Well I don’t know, just what is it that sailors would want if they had been away on a long voyage?”

“I’d say,” said Sticky Hammock Ned, “they’d want a new cabin boy in the barrel, possibly a new barrel as well!”

“Wow!” Dick’s small brain was in hyperdrive. “You mean, so, so the treasure might not be big gold dildo after all but, but actually some sort of thing or service the sailors would value very highly.”

“Hhmm… you could be right,” Julian was thinking, “but don’t forget Dick that all that talk of a golden dildo was only a figurative figure of speech, figuratively speaking.”

“So you don’t think there will a huge gert golden dildo that we can sell for millions upon millions of pounds?” continued a disappointed Dick dreamily “But wouldn’t it be wonderful if it did exist and, and I mean could we use it before we sold it?”

“Arrr, we’d have to toss for that and take turns! Arrr etc.” Bosun Ned rubbed his nautical willy in the darkness. “And I’ll you another thing, just look at all they olde candles, see they’re stuck all along the walls, there must have been a lot of people down here to have that many lit up.”

“By jingo, that’s a very good point.” said Cap’n Kipper Julian. “Whatever could it be?”

“Arrr and just think,” said Pirate Ned, “now think, me shipmates if you’d just sailed round the world or summat, what would you want when you landed?”

“After a fresh plate of kippers you mean?” asked Anne.

Even by torchlight Ned looked at her as though she were mad. “Yeah, after a plate of bleeding kippers.”

“Ooh, uumm… maybe you’d want a hot bath or… or a cup of Ovaltine?” said Dick.

“I thinks we’re about to find out,” exclaimed Intrepid Semen Ned, “‘cause I’m nearly at the end of the passage and it looks like there’s another big room thing.”

“Heavens! How big is this place?” said a voice in the darkness.

With that they all surged forward to see, but there wasn’t immediately anything to see! It was only when they started to explore a little that they found some very strange looking pieces of furniture that wouldn’t have been too out of place in a public-school gym or possibly a nautical S&M private members establishment.

“Aaaw, look at that,” exclaimed Ned pointing to what looked like a vaulting house adorned by some strong leather straps with brass rivets, “aaaww just think of being strapped to that!”

“Why would you?” asked Dick.

Ned sighed.

George cast his\her transgender eyes around. “Oh look over there… it’s what appears to be a huge bed… you could get at least four people on it!”

“And do you see those funny looking racks with horsewhips and there’s lots more of those leather straps!” added Julian. “Why would they have had horses down here?”

“No, be just the stable boys.” said Ned.

“Oh look! Look! There’s a real gert golden dildo!” shrieked George grabbing at a dusty shelf. “It does exist… oh, just feel how smooth the end is… ooohhh… it’s so big… oohhhh!”

“Let me feel it!” squeaked excitedly Anne pushing up to George. “But… but we should wash it first!”

“Oh look there’s another one!” screamed George in further excitement, she grabbed a second one from the shelf and handed it to Anne.

“Now, we can have one each!” echoed Anne grasping it to her unshapely flat bosom.

The sight was enough to make Julian’s jaw drop, for the girls were each clasping a large, heavy brass, Victorian novelty phallus shaped candle holder, with the optional unscrewable foreskin end. Each being a modest nine inches in height and beautifully sand cast by the Forkme Foundry of Birmingham, the true ethereal home of naughty Victorian novelty brass castings, who’s range also included novelty brass buttock book-ends and polished brass pussy serviette rings.

Whilst George was fondling the unscrewable foreskin, in the darkness Anne was already pushing hers up under her frock and gently testing it for size.

“Look there are another three of them… so we can have a real golden dildo each!” Julian was quite ecstatic as he took one down from the shelf. “And, and they’re solid gold… they are aren’t they Ned? Solid Gold? We really have found the treasure now!”

“However did you know about them Ned?” gasped Dick eagerly reaching out.

“Uumm yeah!” surprised at the discovery even Ned was stuck for words. “Aahh me granny said there it were uumm… real golden treasures…”

“Cripes! A solid gold dildo!” gasped Dick now holding both his dick and dildo. “Ned don’t forget to take yours, it’s worth thousands!”

Able Semen Ned certainly wasn’t going to forget his gert golden dildo, but had been distracted by the examination of some very dusty papers that had been left on what looked like a small desk by the entrance.

“Hey Julian, you’re a betterer reader than wot I is, so wot’s all these papers say?” he called out. “I wonders if they might tell us wot this place is.”

“I’ll see if there are any matches or something to light a few candles.” said Dick rather hopefully.

“Don’t bother!” said Naughty Ned. “I got some in me pocket for when I has a fag.”

“English or American?” asked Julian rather wittily, carefully putting his gert golden dildo down he screwed the foreskin back on and started to browse through the dusty papers.

“I’ll go light a few candles.” Ned then whispered in Julian’s ear. “If you practices with that gert gold dildo, you be ready for I later on!”

“Oh! Rather, but I might unscrew the end bit.” he returned to look through the papers. “Listen, as I see it apart from the gert gold dildo franchise, this was a highly valued place to the visiting sailors. In fact I think it was a well-kept, jolly big nautical secret since it offered sexual services to sailors and was cunningly disguised by the kipper shop out the front!”

It all sounded rather fanciful to Ned. “You wot?”

“But what did they do here?” asked Dick bereft of any sexual imagination.

“It says here,” began Julian holding up what looked like a very old handbill, “says these were some specialist sexual services available for sailors.. oh, and they were all priced at two guineas and four shillings per person.”

“What services? Evensong?” asked Dick. “Hurry up and light the candles Ned.”

“Oh shut up and just listen,” said Julian holding the handbill in the torchlight, “I’ll read it all out, ready, it’s entitled…

 

The Kipper Club – Special Sexual Services for Sailors

Perchance, after months of frustration being tossed around on the rough high seas with little to do other than the cabin boy or take turns in the barrel then a trip to The Kipper Club is what you really need, perversions to suit all tastes and genders.

A members only club, all services priced at 2 guineas and 4 shillings per person.

• Ye fresh young cabin boys including use of ye Brass Bound Buggery Box
• Ye fresh young cabin maids including various under-garments, very ye juicy
• Ye good thrashing strapped to ye wooden horse, ye buggery included
• Ye plump transgender cabin boy wearing nice frock, in ye small barrel
• Ye cat of three tails, horsewhip or riding crop, bandages & buggery included
• Ye large, experienced, mature French Lady, only three customers at a time
• Ye interactive bondage, spanking options, phallic toys, buggery included
• Ye faux rape or gang-bang by muscular press gang ~ needs advance booking
• Ye five young boys in faux school dormitory, only three customers at a time
• Ye five young cross-dressing transgender’s only three customers at a time

 

Ye freshly washed, finest ovis intestinal condoms and douche buckets on request.
Ye complementary refreshments (excluding kippers) and health drinks available.

Entire crew bookings taken in advance ~ notice required for all ye peculiar requests.
Please no crabs, obvious diseases, off-putting warts or extroverted nanus perverts.
Distributor of ye Forkme Foundry of Birmingham full range of sexual accoutrements

Request crew booking via message in ye bottle or carrier pigeon to ~
The Kipper Club, Secret Beach, Kipper Island, Devonshire

 

“I say what fun, it sounds absolutely wonderful,” gasped Dick still tightly clasping both dick and gert golden dildo, “what a choice…  but, what are all these things?”

“I’ll tell you later,” said Randy Ned, a disgustingly devious plan had already formed in his mind, he looked around in the dim light, “now where have they girls gone?”

“Judging by the noises, I think over there in the far corner, in the dark testing their gert gold dildos!” Julian giggled. “D’you know, it sounds like they’ve even found another bucket of custard!”

“I say Ned, so just what is a brass bound buggery box, it sounds jolly exciting?” asked Dick, his question couldn’t have come at a more opportune time.

“Strange you should ask that,” replied Rampant Ned, “I was just about to suggest you’d probably enjoy really trying one for size as I’ve seen a couple of ’em in the far corner over there, come on and have a butchers.”

“A butchers what?” following behind Dick was puzzled.

“There they be.” Spunky Pirate Ned gesticulated and pointed with his free hand, the other being deep inside his shorts.

“Ooooh!” exclaimed Julian, by sheer coincidence squeezing his ever expanding willy through his shorts. “I say, they look very posh don’t they?”

“Blimey!” added Dick lifting the lid to peer inside. “It’s obviously been made by some master craftsmen or even possibly by highly skilled peasant artisans.”

“Y’wot!” said Ned to himself.

“But, would it hurt?” said Julian looking at the fine tooled leather upholstery and the carefully crafted joinery.

“Well hop in and try it for size…” in the gloom Ned was already rubbing his shorts, with both hands, “here, maybe Dick would do you while you’re in there?”

“Oh would you Dick?”

“Cor yeah!” exclaimed Dick. “Wizard!”

Julian was blissfully unaware he was shortly to get his precocious, middle class cumuppance along with promised to be an extremely stretched and sore sphincter.

“Hop in then.” said Ned encouragingly.

“Oh yes please!” replied Julian excitedly running his fingers over the silky smooth brass corner plates. “I know Dick’s dick doesn’t hurt and… and.. maybe you could do something after Ned… I mean once he’s warmed me up so to speak.”

Ned had promised himself that it was finally payback time for enduring all Julian’s middle class jibes and of questioning his intellect or indeed it’s lack thereof.

“I’d luv that Master Julian. If I goes in gentle like you should really enjoy it. But we’ll let Dick do you first though won’t us Dick?”

“Rather! Oh I just wish I cum like you two!” Dick nodded very enthusiastically and instantly started to undo his shorts.

“Hang onto your dick Dick, ‘cause we gotta get him in the box first!” said Ned.

“Oh yes, off course.” Dick giggled and hung onto his dick as instructed. “Silly me.”

“Now it won’t hurt will it?” asked Julian more than a little apprehensively, since now realising what in the heat of the moment he had Just agreed too.

Latent Buggery Ned laughed as he opened up the imposing brass bound top panel to reveal a beautifully padded red leather interior with strategically positioned access portals for limbs and other orificial necessities.

“Oh gosh isn’t that posh?” said Dick peering inside. “Nice red leather too!”

“Whooaaa just look at that!” exclaimed Julian in ever mounting excitement, unaware he was shortly going to be both properly stuffed and mounted by Rampant Ned.

“Golly!” mused Dick after studying the sturdy construction. “So he’ll be constrained in a sort of foetal position then? Mmmh… I say!”

“Something like that.” agreed Burgeoning Erection Ned as he ushered Julian ever closer towards the box. “Right then Master Julian, let’s help you in to get all cumfy, then it’s Dick’s dick in first and I’ll follow once he’s nicely warmed you up!”

“Alright. Oh gosh how jolly exciting.” agreed Julian, visibly more excited than before, dropping his shorts to the floor he started to climb inside aided by Ned’s hand gently probing between his buttocks as he did so.

“Gosh that looks so jolly comfortable.” said Dick gently closing the lid. “I say, I might sit in it after and see what it’s like.”

“Indeed you can young master.” said Ned smiling as only he could, leering actually.

With the ornate top section firmly closed and secured by several suitably ornate brass catches Julian’s voice had become distinctly muffled and unintelligible, just in fact as the box had been designed to do!

“Better speak up ‘cause we can’t hear you proper.” called Ned into one of the many openings. “Listen Dick let’s see wot he wants.”

Listening intently Julian’s voice was only faintly heard. “Ned, after Dick’s dinky dick has been up do you really think yours won’t hurt?”

“It shouldn’t do,” replied a smiling Dripping Precum Ned with all fingers and toes crossed, “I don’t expect after Dick’s pulled his dick out you won’t even notice me slipping it in after him!”

“That’s alright then!” came the very muffled reply.

In the candlelight Dick looked down at his dick and then over to Ned’s oozing monster, surely he thought to himself with such an obvious size disparity Julian might find it a just a little large? But then again Julian had said he did want to try it and besides their friend Ned wouldn’t lie, now would he?

“So I’ll drop my shorts then?” said Dick enthusiastically.

“Oh young Master, yes do! I’m gonna get mine off as well.” replied Ned. “And don’t you worry if he tries to talk or anything while it’s happening ‘cause I don’t ‘spose he can hear us and we certainly can’t hear him anyways.”

With the box being built to cabin boy size it was for Julian a perfect fit such that, just as intended the occupant had great difficulty in hearing or replying to what was being said, which as Ned Erectus had surmised was to prove probably just as well!

“You all ready with your dick Dick then?” asked Ned looking down at Julian’s captive bottom, the winking rosebud was indeed quite a draw, he turned to Dick, “you stuff it in when you’re ready.”

“Yes, but Ned, what’s this,” asked Dick clutching at his quivering dick and pointing down to the small oval opening at the front of the box from which Julian’s face could just be seen peering out, “what’s that leather covered bar just in front of Julian’s face?”

“Arrr.. well don’t you worry about that young Master,” in the gloom Deviant Ned grinned, his huge cock twitched impatiently, “it’s only to bite on!”

“Oh! Well, whatever!” far too excited to care the implication was lost on Dick, he shrugged his shoulders and looked at Ned. “I think he’s going to jolly well enjoy this… isn’t he Ned?”

“Oh Dick, arrr… he certainly will.”

“Oh I do hope so.” said Dick taking a step back and preparing to lunge forward.

“Oh arrr, I’m sure he will.” Nawty Ned grinned a very, very nawty grin and said to himself “But not as much as I will, the little bastard!”

Even if Julian did limp for a couple or three days afterwards, he still had his gert golden dildo as a memento to fall back on. And, like the others was soon looking forward to the following year’s summer holidays, but that could easily be another story in itself.

Fin

 

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