Resting on blank paper
Left foot perched on right
Elbows drawn tight to flank
Fallen head cocked to the side
Dead except for shallow breath
I was taking an evening class on film studies and I wrote this short poem after watching a young man sitting at his desk. I actually can’t remember what he looked like now, but I must have found him attractive at the time for me to spend my time watching him rather than listening to the teacher. As the lecturer rambled on the sexy young man took the position I describe, he must have been bored too.
Equilibrium was the second in the first batch of vignettes I published on my first website, Tales from a Storm. Reading it again, it is a difficult read for me. It was written about a time when I was at my lowest and I just wanted a way out.
I grew up suppressed and oppressed, and I now realise that much of it was from my own making and my reluctance to accept the gay in me.
Regular readers will know that I battle depression, I’m fine now by the way, but this takes me to a time when I wasn’t and a way out was never far from my mind. I never embraced my depression nor accepted it, so never sought any help.
With ‘A Quiet Moon’ this vignette is a look into my soul and am surprised how brave I was to put it on the internet, out there forever. If I was starting my first website now I’m not sure I would have had the guts to include this. But I’m not going to pull it now.
Don’t worry, the stuff gets lighter from now on.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with any mental health issues then I urge you to seek out help. If or when you do I hope you get the help you deserve.
Some websites I have found are:
LGBT Switchboard (UK)
NHS Mental Health for LGBT (UK)
LGBT Hotline (US)
Not everything I write/wrote is gay erotica (If you’re feeling kind, or gay porn if not) and when I started to write I tended to write more autobiographically.
This was originally published in 2004 but I remember that I wrote it several years previous. It was written while I was still very much in the closet and very much examines my thoughts and feelings at the time.
I remember lying awake one night and moonlight coming into my bedroom. My mind was still active and started to run away with itself. The road I describe is very much a metaphorical one and the chasm at the end the hole what my mind falls into when I have a depressive relapse.
The road is perfect, the perfect road I was expected to take at the time and the weight of the expectation of my family.
I find it an interesting read and a reminder of how I felt in my later teenage years.
I am taking this opportunity to start uploading my stories and vignettes that I never got round to converting when I upgraded my hosting and started to use WordPress as a platform.
Not surprisingly I will be starting from the bottom up.
I will edit them, some won’t change much (perhaps the odd comma) but others may, depending on how I feel when I read them again.
I’m looking forward to going back and reading my stories I wrote years ago and see how they hold up.
When the mood takes I will let you know about the stories and how they came to be.