Shades of Gray: A tale of the 1950’s
For almost anyone reading this, an introduction is needed… to my world that was.
The 1950’s world in which I turned 13, was a different world, a world that you would not recognise.
These were years in which homosexuality was a crime. Young policemen routinely entrapped the lustful and unwary, for whom it could easily earn a six-month prison sentence.
But I get ahead of myself. These were such innocent days that homosexuality itself didn’t yet exist. Talk of “I’m the only gay in the village”… in our village there were no gay men. There were curates and scoutmasters, even a boxing coach who caused worry to protective fathers… but no gay couplings, no pairs of men sharing a home and definitely none holding hands
Those days in the fifties were before Stonewall, before legalisation… that didnt happen until the late 60’s… before the Wolfenden Report when that good man suggested rather daringly that penalising homosexuality served no sane purpose. These were the days when homosexual men did not require rights, because there were no homosexual men… No gays were bashed in our valley because there were no gay men!
Maybe it was as a result of that same obsessive innocence that I managed to arrive at secondary school, at 11, completely unaware of the mechanics of sex. When told, I assumed it was a wind-up, I was an innocent and pretty gullible child. My slight build, blond hair, huge blue eyes… and innocence made me an easy target for practical jokes. Even so, what they told me of how my parents brought me into the world simply seemed too far-fetched to be taken seriously.
Curiously though I did take it semi-seriously… If as they said, rubbing your cock inside a woman produced a nice feeling and stuff that made babies… well I could test that if all that was needed was friction. That was how I, a child genius, invented masturbation.
I could hardly wait to tell friends what I had discovered. So you will understand my surprise and disappointment on discovering that I was probably the last boy in the class to have caught on. I did hit the ground running… not quite the class bicycle… but by thirteen… “fancy a walk at lunchtime Jeff?” was all it took… satisfaction guaranteed.
Exactly why is still a mystery to me but at our school, a boys’ school for somewhat gifted children, sex-play with classmates was pure innocent pleasure. We all knew that one day the unattainable would happen… girlfriend, marriage and kids… but that was in the future. What we had now was each other and a school that seemed completely oblivious to what was going on.
True, if you were so blatantly careless as to get caught in-flagrante there was punishment, often recorded as “smoking” to avoid blushes and parental distress. But… done discreetly it was totally accepted. It was what boys did. It was the ones who didn’t who stood out from the crowd. From eleven until about fifteen those who wanted to did, and those who didn’t… didn’t. After fifteen, those of us who still did… still did, but discreetly. I don’t recall anyone ever making a disparaging remark about homosexuals, but perhaps that was because we didn’t associate what we did with society’s disapproval. None of us were effeminate… and there was no “love” involved… We mostly didn’t do it with really close friends anyway.
It was in my thirteenth year that it all changed. It changed from random and mutual masturbation to something a great deal more, something that involved a great deal less sex.
After two years of enthusiastic, if disorganised, sexual activity, it all changed one afternoon on the games field in early autumn.
The class had Rugby. I avoided Rugby. It wasn’t just that the field lacked drainage and teams were known to turn their shirts inside out at half-time to be able to tell each other apart. No, it was that We lived at 800 feet in a Welsh mining valley and the field froze in November and thawed in March. Hitting cut-up frozen ground in a rugby-tackle was an interesting experience but not one to repeat if it could be avoided. It was still early autumn, early in the season, I was avoiding… and my lack of commitment already showed.
It was a lack of enthusiasm that had attracted the attention and displeasure of the games master… “Ten laps of the field at the end of the class!”. That meant twenty minutes or more of running, after the others had gone to change! So there I was running slowly round the field as the school emptied towards station and bus-stops.
In the distance I could see my mate Rico heading over the school bridge towards the lower school.
I waved to him and he waved back. He came down and stood at the edge of the field.
“Bryn got mad?”
“Yeah, ten laps, one more to do!”
“I’ll wait. We can walk home together”
One lap later Bryn looked at his watch, waved to me to go up to the changing rooms, turned and got into his car.
Rico said “Looks like you can go”
“Yeah, change and a shower if there’s any hot water left!”
We walked up to the changing rooms… silent and empty.
Rico sat down on a bench… to watch me change.
I slipped my rugby-shirt off and my boots and socks.
“Your tummy is nice and hard!” he said
“Thanks, its not as if I exercise or anything”
He reached over and patted my stomach… “Mm, nice” he said.
It was becoming pretty clear to me that my liking for fun was a bit more than the “its all we can do till we get a girl-friend” stage that our mates said it was. The problem was that even in our school you couldn’t let just anyone know that you actually needed cock! You had to play by the rules. You had to give them the chance to play and if they didn’t take it, well that was just tough luck. There was always time for a solitary on the way home, if all else failed.
But tonight… hopefully there was Rico. He was generally up for a fumble at least.
He was still absent-mindedly stroking my stomach… and I was… ‘oh, bugger’
“Better get those shorts off while you still can… ”
Well, why not. I slipped them down and my boyhood sprang clear, slapping the hand that was still on my stomach… oops!
“He likes you” I said.
Rico laughed… “Time for a quick shower. They’ll be locking up soon”
I ran into the showers. Cold, wet and a bit muddy in places!
I turned the water full-on to Hot and stepped back out of the way of the initial cold spray.
Rico had followed me, and I backed straight into him! We stumbled and he put his arms round me to steady me.
We stood for a moment, my bare bum pressed against the swelling in his pants. His arms wrapped around my naked chest.
One of his hands wandered down to play on the smooth stomach that he seemed to prize so much.
“Gorgeous, I wish mine was hard like yours”
I reached behind my bum and copped a feel… “You’re on the horn!”
“Mm, What shall we do about it?”
I grabbed his wandering hand…
“Not a lot here… the grounds-man’s due to lock up”
He spun me round and shoved me towards the water.
“Come on, shower quick, we need to be on our way!”
Five minutes later, a quick shower… not much warmth to the water… Out to dry off.
Rico threw me my towel to hide my embarrassment when the grounds-man came in. I dressed while they went round locking windows. The grounds-man locked the door behind us as we left.
We shouted “Goodnight” as we hurried off, past the sheet metal building that served as the Music Room and down towards the Fives Court.
By silent consensus, we headed towards the Lower School bogs.
As we went we could see another pair of boys heading in the same direction, over the footbridge, also late.
Rico looked up and said “Hey look! Its that boy you stare at in assembly. Wonder what they’ll do if they see us get to the bogs first!”
The older boy was Trev. An older boy I was close to and had been going about with. The other was the gorgeous blond that I had been entranced by since the previous year but still didn’t know well enough to talk to.
Trev by the way was fifteen, which is pretty good to have as a friend if you are thirteen. He took me to the pictures the previous Saturday and we had a lot of fun. We even saw another bigger boy having it off with his girlfriend in the dark. Trev got so excited that he sucked me off there and then. But… I had often seen him with the blond boy. It wouldn’t matter except the blond is about my age, same year different class, and drop-dead gorgeous. Having a crush on a boy who is being followed about by what amounts to your boyfriend is a bit much to cope with when you are 13.
The blond boy was absolutely beautiful…
I wasn’t sure if it was OK for me to think another boy was beautiful, but he was.
Sometimes when I had been standing near him at Morning Assembly I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off him.
At best it was embarrassing, and if I got the horn, that made it worse!
Nobody had ever said anything, but it was hard to believe that no-one else had noticed.
After all, Rico had… and he wore specs.
So anyway… we turned into the bogs, with the other pair behind us on the drive.
We waited… and … nothing! Silence, no footsteps on the gravel!
“Where have they gone?”
When we looked we saw that they had turned onto the field, so that’s why there were no footsteps. They were headed towards the lower school woods, and then… they disappeared into the trees.
‘Off for a wank!’
“Let’s see what they get up to!”
We entered the wood but there was no sign of them, so we crept forward as quietly as we could.
It was the flash of blond hair that I spotted. They were in a sheltered corner of bushes, with their pants round their ankles. I stopped and once again Rico bumped into me and wrapped his arms round me. You’d think he’d have learned by now!
Trev was trying it on with the blond boy, not just wanting a wank but trying for a feel of the younger boy!
The blond kept brushing his hand away and Trev was getting more forceful. I knew that mostly, what Trev wanted he got… eventually.
“What are they doing?” said Rico (they were pretty thick specs!)
“Dunno… He’s after the kid’s cock but he doesn’t want to play, I think”
Trev looked tense, and then tried for a kiss. The boy turned his face away.
I heard Trev say
“Why not Gray? It’d be that nice, and we can do anything you want after!!”
The boy pushed him away shouting “That’s not what I want… You know its not. I only wanted a wank, you knew that!” and started to cry.
Maybe he was really upset, maybe he pushed Trev a bit hard… anyway Trev fell over his bunched up trousers and landed on his bum on some nettles. He howled with outrage, and Rico, silly sod, burst out laughing.
Trev heard… and saw him!
“Fuck you!” he shouted.
Rico said “Oh shit!” and ran.
Half running, half-tripping over his pants, Trev followed in hilarious hot pursuit.
That left the blond and me, alone in the trees.
I came out of my hiding place, and…
I said… “I haven’t come yet. Mind if I look at your cock while I finish?”
Silly or what!
“Feel free, you’ve waited long enough! Trev says he’s seen you looking at me in Assembly. He says you get the horn!”
“Trev’s my cousin. We’ve been stopping here for a wank on the way home since the summer”
“Trev likes you though… he told me about Saturday… gave me the horn”
I couldn’t think of a thing to say, so I asked…
“Why wouldn’t you let him wank you then?
“Because doing it with someone else ought to be special I think, and he isn’t who I want to do it with…”
“First time ought to be special!”
He said all that very solemnly and in a bit of a rush, as if he had thought it through.
We were both wanking now, me looking at his hand at work and he at mine.
I thought he might be getting there, his cheeks were flushed and the tip of his tongue was between his lips in concentration.
And… then he stopped…
He said “Please would you let me finish you off?”
“But, you said…”
“I know what I said… just… let’s finish each other off!!”
He took my hand away from my cock and placed it on his.
“Ahhh, that feels so… ” he said.
‘Special?’ I thought.
Neither of us was going to last very long.
I placed my hand on his neck behind his snow-white blond curls and pulled him into a hug.
I was with the blond beauty I had been admiring for months.
“Trev will get back soon!”
“Oh fuck, take it then, take it, take it……”
And it was over.
“Lick it clean!” he said
“You wha… ?”
“You’ve got spunk on your hand. Lick it clean!” he laughed.
Without thinking, I did exactly that!
Well, not exactly that.
I said “so have you” and took his hand and licked it clean.
He laughed and said “now you’ve got it on your mouth”
So I said “well go on… lick it clean!”
I said “lick”, but it turned out to be much easier for him to kiss it clean. So he did.
He kissed me a lot longer than necessary.
The spunk was long gone by the time he stopped!
“Trev said you kissed. I hoped you would!” my blond said.
“Oh wow, did he really, did we really?”
“Yes, we really did! and it was… really special… just as I always imagined”
We had crossed over! I didn’t know it yet but there was no way back!
Others had crossed before us… but this was our crossing and it was…truly special.
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