The Truth Will Out
by David Heulfryn
I was already in bed and covered by my duvet when Max came in after using the bathroom. He was all ready for bed, wearing just his pyjama trousers.
“I suppose you’re naked under there,” Max said to me.
I didn’t answer him. I just flipped my duvet back and flashed him. Max rolled his eyes, turned off the light and got into bed. After a few seconds of fidgeting to get comfortable, Max started tonight’s conversation.
“Mum asked me what I thought of you sleeping naked.”
I laughed. “What did you tell her?”
“I just said I didn’t mind.”
“Is that all?” I probed.
It was now Max’s turn to laugh. He told me how Mum asked how it was working and did he mind seeing me naked. She commented that she’d not seen me naked in years, so she didn’t know how I was developing. I think he was embarrassed talking to her about me. He told me that he said I was just a normal twelve-year-old boy, to which I naturally butted in and said, nearly thirteen. He told her he didn’t see me naked that often as I was usually in bed when he came in the room, and I didn’t walk around our bedroom naked.
And then she asked him something that made him squirm, had he ever thought about sleeping naked?
“I know you have,” I told him.
“Yeah, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I told her I wasn’t interested. She then said to tell her if I made you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.”
“How can my naked body embarrass you? It doesn’t embarrass me. I find it liberating.” I said excitedly.
“I would never say anything to Mum and Dad to stop you from doing it. Just don’t keep badgering me to do it.”
“I won’t,” I told him. “But I do think you should try it. You’ll start to feel liberated and less ashamed….” I reconsidered my choice of words, “no, not ashamed, embarrassed possibly, but you should celebrate your body.”
“Give me time, Min. Give me time.”
“I think you’ve got a beautiful body. You’re very handsome and have nothing to be ashamed of in the cock department.”
I made Max choke on his tongue again.
“When did you see my cock?” Max sounded angry.
Shit. I didn’t mean to say I’d seen him naked. I tried to think about telling him without making me seem like a pervert.
Max was getting annoyed at me for not answering him. “When Finn?”
I was getting scared; he was calling me Finn. I just wished I could turn the clock back. I said that it was after he had a shower. I couldn’t lie to him. He always knew when I was lying.
“When? You’ve never been in the bathroom with me, and you’ve never been in the room with me after I came out of the shower. So how could you see me?” Max was pushing for an answer.
I felt like crying. I was no longer nearly thirteen but a little boy who’d been caught doing something naughty again.
“Finn? What did you do? What have you done? You’d better tell me.”
“Max, please.” I felt tears rolling down my face. I knew I had to tell him about me spying on him, looking through the window while he masturbated after a shower. I didn’t want to, but I had to. We were always honest with each other. “Max, please don’t hate me.”
Max remained silent and motionless as I told him what I’d seen. He didn’t say anything when I’d finished.
“Max?” I sniffed through my tears. “Please talk to me. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t talk to me, and don’t ever look at me again.” Max spat at me.
“Max, please. I’m sorry.” But he never responded. I remember a time I broke his favourite toy when we were younger. He got so mad with me that he didn’t speak to me for over a week. He made me feel so bad. I cried and begged, but he knew how to hold a grudge. I can’t remember how or why he started speaking to me again, but I remember it being a miserable time.
“Max, please.” I pleaded, but all I heard was him turning over in bed.
“I love you, Max.”
Max stayed silent.
I was in bed before Max again the following night. He’d not said a word to me all day and ignored me when we woke in the morning, not that I got much sleep. I was waiting for Max to come in from brushing his teeth when I started to cry again. I tried to hold back the tears, but I couldn’t help it. I’d really hurt Max. I’d invaded his privacy in the most horrible way. I’d made him feel dirty and ashamed. Thinking about what I’d done, I’d hate me too.
Max came in, turned off the light and got into bed. I knew he’d seen my red eyes and knew I’d been crying, but he acted like he didn’t care.
“Max, please talk to me. I’m so sorry.”
But Max just turned over without a word.
I took this opportunity to talk to him and try and explain. I wanted to make him feel better.
“Max, I hate myself. I hate what I did. I hate how I’ve made you feel. I feel like I’ve betrayed you, and I don’t blame you for hating me. I want to say it was an accident, but it was at first, but I shouldn’t have kept watching. But it made me feel good. I’d not felt anything like that before. You made me feel so good, but now I feel so dirty. I’m ashamed I kept watching. I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to you, Max. I don’t want you to hate me.”
None of my begging made any difference. Max stayed silent.
I waited but still nothing. I started sniffling, desperate to not cry again, but I knew the tears would flow soon. Then I heard Max sniffle. Knowing he was on the verge of tears made mine flow.
“I love you, Max.”
Max stayed silent.
Max was in bed the following night when I came in from brushing my teeth. I was naked, but I’d gotten so used to bed naked that I really didn’t consider how it would make Max feel. He glanced at me and turned over to face the wall. He didn’t speak.
“Please, Max,” I whined, but he didn’t even want to look at me.
I went over to his bed and sat down. I touched his bare shoulder, and he shuddered at my touch.
“I know I hurt you, and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. If it makes you feel any better, you have helped me in ways you can’t imagine. I look up to you more than I do Dad. I haven’t masturbated yet, but I promise I’ll let you watch when I do. I don’t want us to have any secrets. You mean too much to me. I don’t want to lose you. I love you too much.”
I touched his shoulder again. This time he didn’t shudder.
“Mum and Dad have noticed there’s something wrong with us,” I said to him. “If we don’t sort this out, then they’ll make one of us tell them what has happened. I don’t want to be the one to tell them, and I’m sure you don’t want them to know what happened. I know you, Max. You’d be mortified if they found out. So can’t we work our way round this?”
I kept my hand on his bare shoulder while he thought about what I’d said. He felt warm, his skin was soft.
“Look, Min,” Max spoke. He called me Min, and my stomach leapt into my throat. Just those two words gave me so much hope. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek. I sniffed. “You made me feel so dirty.” Max was crying into his pillow. “I hate feeling so dirty. I don’t know why I’m this way. I just pretend with my friends. They don’t really know me. Anything to do with sex makes me feel dirty. I know it shouldn’t, but it does.” Max was now sobbing onto his pillow.
I hated seeing Max like this. It was making me sob as well. “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, Max,” I said through my tears.
“I know, but I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m frigid!” Max sobbed.
I wondered what he meant. I wished I knew so I wouldn’t have to ask him and I wouldn’t feel so stupid. “What’s frigid?” I asked softly. “I don’t understand.”
Max sniffed. “It sort of means afraid of sex.”
“Oh,” I whispered.
“That’s why I’m so afraid when I’m alone with James. It feels so different from when I’m with Jane. I don’t feel the intense… I don’t feel I want to have sex with her. We are just two teenagers making out. I don’t think she really feels anything for me, either. But with James, the feeling is so intense that I get so overwhelmed, and it makes me scared. I lied to you the other night. Every time I think of James, my cock goes hard, and I want to wank it so hard I’m afraid I’ll rip it off.”
It had been two days since Max had talked to me, but he seemed to be making up for it now. “What’s made you feel this way?” I asked.
“I really don’t know. Mum and Dad never really talk about it, but I don’t think they’ve made it feel dirty or shameful. The lessons with had at school are so clinical. It makes sex sound like something you have to do just to have babies. But that’s just the science of it. I just feel so insecure. I feel I’m not good enough, handsome enough, big enough, long enough, muscular enough. I don’t feel man enough.” Max cried.
A hand on the shoulder felt tame, so I leant in for a full hug. Max didn’t respond, but he was lying on his side, and I was smothering him. He couldn’t respond to my hug if he wanted to.
“Max, you are so perfect. I love you so much.” I cried on his shoulder. “We all have something we can hate about ourselves. It’s easy to hate. It’s harder to love. I can say how much I love you, but it will mean nothing unless you love yourself.”
Max turned to face me, despite my tight hug. He brought his hands around my back and squeezed tight. “Sorry, Min.” He sniffled.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Max.” I released him from our hug. He appeared so sad as he looked into my eyes. “Now stand up and hug me properly,” I demanded.
Max obeyed, and we hugged. He didn’t seem to notice I was naked or care. We held each other, and I felt Max relax.
“Don’t worry about what I’m going to do. I won’t look. I just want you to feel what I feel.” I let go of Max and pushed his pyjama trousers down until they fell to his feet. I felt Max shake. He was nervous. “I’m not looking, Max. Just let’s hug each other.”
Our arms wrapped around each other’s back, and we held each other tightly to each other. I could feel Max’s cock harden and push against my belly. He tried to move away, but I held him tightly to me. “Don’t worry, it’s natural, and I can’t see anything. It’s just your hormones responding to us touching each other. It means nothing. It doesn’t mean you want to have sex with me. It doesn’t mean anything.
“I wish the light was off,” Max told me.
“I know you do. But there is nothing wrong with two brothers hugging.” After a few silent seconds, I asked Max if he wanted to have a look at each other.
We broke apart, he looked at my groin, and I looked at his. We were both hard, and Max smiled. It made me feel so happy.
“Shall we go to bed now?” I asked, and Max agreed.
I switched off the light, and Max got into bed, naked. I slipped under my duvet.
“I love you, Max.”
“I love you, Min.”
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